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Thread ID: 93167	2008-09-06 01:10:00	Secrets	beetle (243)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
702893	2008-09-06 01:10:00	Now what i have to say may sound really strange and off the wall . . . . . . . . (nothing new for beetle right? ) But this is extremely up close and personal at the moment, and every day we are having to face this delema we now face, because of the actions of my dearly departed dad . . . . . . . . . who it seems we didnt really know as we thought . :( yes he was extremely sick, and had been for years, but when the end is close . . . . . . . . . . . does guilt not make you tell all these little secrets now before its too late? when a persons life is ending, and they no it, does the future of the ones left behind never get considered? how they will still have to live, work and breath everyday till their life ends? what we do now in life, i guess has repercussions on all our family and friends of whom we leave behind . . . yes we are free to choose the life we have now, but when something happens and someone departs, life is altered . but sometimes its good, and sometimes it opens up a whole new chain of events . . . in our case . . . . . . . . . . . we dont feel we knew this person at all, this facade he built round himself . we are also questioning of our upbringing, our present and our future . this person we didnt know, this person who rocked our world, and cannot tell us why his actions now have such tragic consequences . my family is torn apart . . . . . . . . the person who it seems my dads life revolved around, couldnt give a toss . . . . . . . . ( not another women by the way) and my mother, my sister and i are trying to work out, why so many secrets, why not be honest . even on the last day, why couldnt a person say im sorry, i stuffed up . . . . . . . why do we live with secrets? deep down are we all capable of secrets? for someone like me who was always brought up with honesty is best policy, im struggling with this . . . . . . . . . . . . i dont know which one was the real dad . its making me question my life, how honest am i? how i treat people? how i bring up my kids . . . . . . . . . what sort of legacy i leave behind . . . . . . . what life footprint will i make? dying is very final . . . . . . . . . . . . and we have so many questions . . . . . . . . . . . and he is no longer able to give answers . . . . . . . I know that this is probably not the best place to put this, but a lot of people in my world dont understand what we are going thro . . . . . . . . My mother is struggling with it all, she spent 54 years with this man . . . . . and right now, she cant cope with what he has done . my sister is blisteringly angry, and im just lost, because its me thats the forgotten one . . . . . . . . while my brother lives the life of bliss . . . . . . he has what he wants, who cares about the rest . it has torn my average normal family apart . why oh why do we do this to people? I feel life has given a huge jolt, my ex husband did very similar things, and now here is my dad . . . . . . . . . doing similar things . . . . . . . . people we love and trust . . . . . . can do that to there own flesh and blood . right now i wish i was a old and grumpy person so i couldnt care less about what i said to the world, and make them lump it, but age isnt here, im not a grumpy person with life, i just feel that sometimes we hurt the people we love the most . sorry for the ramble . another day tomorow . another day with out him, another day to get thro . . . . . . . . Fathers day . . . . . . . . Be kind to your loved one, life goes on for them . and know i not grumpy i just out of kilter, and dont really understand why any more . . . . . . . . i can still laugh and be happy, but our smiles are gone when the topic of dad comes up . Im ok, youre ok then its all good . . . . . . . . :D beetle :(	beetle (243)
702894	2008-09-06 01:51:00	you say people don't understand. well you have just added to the list. unless your willing to spill the beans you can't expect anyone to understand	plod (107)
702895	2008-09-06 02:43:00	Wait, what???	beeswax34 (63)
702896	2008-09-06 02:56:00	you say people don't understand. well you have just added to the list. unless your willing to spill the beans you can't expect anyone to understand That seems to be the nature of man,he hates to tell all.	Cicero (40)
702897	2008-09-06 04:59:00	It takes a brave man to tell a woman the truth. Honey, do you like my new dress? Not really. THWACK!!!! With rolling pin or frying pan etc. TOTAL honesty is not always the best policy.	Sweep (90)
702898	2008-09-06 05:02:00	Ok . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it wasnt that i wanted you to have a divine answer, as i realise you wont understand . . . . . . what i was getting at was why have secrets? do we really gain anything by keeping them? :waughh: its all about secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . do you have a secret? to save your skin or to stop someone else from being hurt? why? as to what the prob is . . . . . . . . . . . . its in actual fact he in a way disowned the women in his family as being not important, and my brother creamed the life or what my father had because he was the favoured family member . My mum was never considered first, she is not even spoken about in the will first . . . . . . . . . 54 yrs and this man does not consider her to be the first one to get his property . . . . . living 54 years in this family, saying be honest, trustworthy, and his last words that are written defies all of what he has ever preached . and what the people in our world cant understand is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . who was this man to do this to his family? the black and white you would think it should of been . . . . etc a normal will says everything i own, etc goes to my wife . . . . . . . . didnt . . . . . . 54 years . . . . . . . . . . . . and the dad i thought i knew, changed when the will was read . . . . . . . . . . . . . and the one who didnt bother to turn up to the will reading . . . . . . . . . . . . was the one who got it all . . . . . the 3 females . . . . . . . . . . . were basically given pats on the head . . . . . the people who sacrificed everything for his happiness . . . . . . . . . get zilch . . . . . . . and no it wasnt money we were after . just something special from dad . i know you cant help me, i cant seem to help me at the moment . . . . . . . . . that warm fuzzy feeling i had for my dad . . has gone . . . . . . . . . that trust i had, that repoir i built with him growing up . . . . . . . . . . . seems stupid now, because we meant nothing to him . secrets . . . . . . . . he never told anyone but my brother who was getting what . . . . . . not even my mum . . . . we had no clue we meant nothing till the lawyer said . . . . . . those words . . . . . . . to my son . . . . . . i leave . . . . . . . :eek: so yeah, go on bash beetle again . . every body else does . . . . . . . im sure it makes you feel good . . . . . im nothing to most of you, except this painful irritating person on the forum . who spouts crap:p have a great life . . . . . . . . . . . and i hope you all are happy in safe in your lives . . . . . . and you never have to second guess your loved ones when they arnt here anymore . sigh . im fine . . . . . . . . im just lost to why, and the fact he could be so callous to the woman who loved him for 54 years . . . . if you have something harsh and scathing to say, save it for someone who cares . . . sometimes you males can be such jerks . grief effects every one different . . . . and this currently sucks life away for being the most unpleasant aspect i have had to live thro . beetle:waughh:	beetle (243)
702899	2008-09-06 05:15:00	Beetle I don't know how far you want to go with this, or even if you want to go any where or further at all:confused: Most situations like this mean a successful contesting of the will, especialy by immediate family . I have friends that were in a similar situation and in the end everyone was OK even the one who first got it all as it meant that the family were able to be one at last . Not every situation is the same of course . Group talks often are good . Trust it all settles soon . :thumbs:	Arnie (6624)
702900	2008-09-06 05:24:00	Hey beetle, I understood from your first post what had happened. Very sad. :(	Trev (427)
702901	2008-09-06 05:29:00	Similar thing happened here, it is a very personal thing and only you can decide if you will be affected by it or not. It sux its happens aound a time of loss and makes you think of people differently.	rob_on_guitar (4196)
702902	2008-09-06 05:47:00	Beetle - as Arnie says, one possibility is for the three of you to contest the will, (or even just your mum so she has some support as she gets older). And that of course may achieve some form of "justice" in terms of where the property goes. However, that does not help with the real betrayal that you are talking about - whether or not you get the will altered, the fact remains that your dad did this, and the hurt will not be changed by legal action, will it? Family secrets - sometimes called "dirty little secrets" are what sustain other betrayals like family violence and sexual abuse within families - "don't tell anyone, this is just our special secret". And of course favouritisim towards sons has a long and dishonourable history in many cultures around the world. It is very sad that it continues in this manner. Possibly the hardest thing about all this is that he has gone, and you can't say anything to him to tell him what effect this has had on all of you. Dare I say that this is one of the most cowardly things a man can do to his family - knowing that the secret will come out after he is out of here? It must be very painful for all three of you - I don't know what else to say.	John H (8)
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