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Thread ID: 93394	2008-09-14 22:00:00	Monday Laughs: ............Annual Stock Clearance: Kids	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
705230	2008-09-14 22:00:00	Butt dust . . . What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine . No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister . After a while he asked: 'Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?' MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was . Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more . Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties . Mine say five to six . ' STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night . 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window . ' BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer . She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle . Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her . Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?' SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups . 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough . ' DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?' MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant . Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?' CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried . When his Mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what will happen with this bed when I get married . How will my wife fit in it?' JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story . His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt . ' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?' TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mum knew . Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?' The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget . . . . this particular Sunday sermon . . . . . 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face . 'Without you, we are but dust . . ' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?' *************************************** Getting into heaven the hard way A Sunday-School teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday-School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven . She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered . "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "No!" By now she was starting to smile . "Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again they all answered "No!" She was just bursting with pride for them . Well she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven? A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTAE BE DEAD YA MUPPET . " -------------------------------------------------------------- And now for some more thoughtful stuff . . . . . . . . . Out of the mouths of babes Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family . One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members . One of her students suggested that he was adopted . A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted . " "What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child . "It means", said the little girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!" *************************************** On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home . As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was . "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile . "Really," I said . "I have to say you don't look very discouraged . " "Discouraged,?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face . "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet . " ************************************************** Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott . Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play . His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen . On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school . Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement . "Guess what, Mum," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me . . . . . "I've been chosen to clap and cheer . " ************************************************** A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife . Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there . When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
705231	2008-09-14 22:33:00	A man and his wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."	johcar (6283)
705232	2008-09-14 22:37:00	Wow BT - a couple of tear jerkers there! :crying	John H (8)
705233	2008-09-14 22:54:00	That was great Billy - some good lessons in there too :).	Erayd (23)
705234	2008-09-14 23:48:00	Bit of a plug here for Techtales ( . techtales . com/tftechs . html" target="_blank">www . techtales . com), but I'm sure the mods won't mind . Here are a few examples of technical ignorance (read $$$ for us) . Yes, it's been over a year since it's been updated, but the archives go back to '97 . Your company put water on my motherboard . The ISP I work for (Xtra) just launched a closed portal called Bubble - This is one call we got that just shows people think technology can do anything . Customer Perception: Email Notes: Cust believes that there is moisture in his PC as a result of downloading the bubble . - Cust believes he has taken the PC down to the local PC technician and found that to be the issue . Advised cust that this can not be the case as the bubble is a piece of software, not a physical bubble . - Cust maintains that it is an issue caused by the bubble and he needs a new motherboard . Advised that the bubble is not capable of producing moisture as it is a piece of software . - Cust then advised that he has been an share holder in our company since 1993 . - He advises that he was a foundation shareholder . Advised cust that this may be the case however it does not change the fact that the bubble is not a physical bubble and that it is physically impossible to transmit a bubble over an electrical current or a frequency . - Cust then supplied the following email address: ******@anotherisp . net . nz Advised that it is then odd that the bubble was downloaded by his son in law on to his PC as it is only for Xtra customers . - Cust wants to know what Xtra are going to do about his PC . - Cust advises that he has been reading about the trouble that the bubble has been causing and wants to know why we would put moisture in people PCs . Advised that there were issues - software related, however we are not putting moisture in peoples computers . - Advised that I cannot help with his PC as it is not an issue incurred by Xtra . Referred cust back to his local PC tech . There was a simpler answer we could have given: Advise the customer that in our opinion, the problem lay with the organic interface and that the customer should seek the advice of a PC technician: Xtra will be happy to pay for repairs if the PC tech proved that the problem was moisture from the Xtra bubble . Anonymous Tech Supporter Close your windows! One of my co-workers while taking a tech support call for an isp asked the customer to close all his windows and let her know when he was done . She could hear what sounded like someone running up and down stairs and some bangs and she kept saying "hello?" "hello", hearing no response . After a couple of minutes he came back on the phone and was very out of breath . "ok, I closed all my windows, but just give me a moment to catch my breath . I have alot of windows in my house!" . My fellow tech had to put the guy on hold to laugh and she knew she was in for a long call . Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter Power (S)tripping In an old career as a workstation support tech for a (large international firm which shall remain nameless), we received an early Monday morning "Pri-One" service call . The caller was in the same building as our substation and I drew the short straw . This user averaged about six or eight calls a month, usually for something trivial or related to the operating system's idiosyncracies, nothing really wrong . This time, she had been relocated within the complex and didn't trust the moving crew to relocate the computer safely, so she moved it herself over the weekend . Now she had to print a meeting agenda for her Director to carry to a meeting that morning and she couldn't get any response from the computer . It wouldn't start at all: no POST codes, no power lights, nothing . She did admit in the initial call that she had moved it herself . I drew the short straw, walked up the corridor to the cube farm and started checking things . Double-checked the power cables; the monitor cable; all the usual things . Then I crawled under the desk to check the other end of the power cables . This was when I noted something really interesting . "You moved this yourself, right?" I asked, getting the expected response . Then I held out the power strip, saying I'd found the problem . She'd plugged the strip back into itself . We had even asked her on the phone if she'd checked the power strip switch . (It was in the "ON" position . ) We waited about six months for another call from this user . She went from one of our frequent callers to someone who never even spoke to us . Of course, the $500 charge for an emergency call might have had something to do with this . John D	ubergeek85 (131)
705235	2008-09-15 02:27:00	The newspaper, 'The Australian', over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn . This was the winner: Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar . One asked, 'What are ya up to, Mate?' 'Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie . ' 'Oh yeah . . . . . . . . and what route are you takin'?' 'Ah, prob'ly the Missus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought . '	B.M. (505)
705236	2008-09-15 03:35:00	The old cowboy An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, another man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."	nofam (9009)
705237	2008-09-15 10:11:00	A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her small son playing with his new electric train in the adjoining living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off right now, cause this is the last stop, and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the god damn train cause we're leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house, now I want you to go to your bedroom for two hours and think about what you said and when you come out, you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language". Two hours later her son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we do hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope that you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen". __________________________________________________ _- Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the dirt, when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your bloody cat." __________________________________________________ _ It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was bom. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"	mikebartnz (21)
705238	2008-09-15 13:19:00	The old cowboy An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, another man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian." :lol: awesome!	Agent_24 (57)
705239	2008-09-16 03:17:00	A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water . As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today . . . ' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink . In fact, this one is on me . ' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too . ' The old woman says, 'Thank you . Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water . ' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too . ' The old woman says, 'Thank you . Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water . ' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says . As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity . Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor . Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue . ' Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
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