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Thread ID: 93641	2008-09-25 15:47:00	A New Perspective...........	SurferJoe46 (51)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
707748	2008-09-25 15:47:00	A fellow posted this on a site I visit (there are others?) about his recent colonoscopy and he's dead-on about it all . . . I post for your perusal with a comment of my own at the bottom . . . er, end . . . er . . . . finality of the text . . . . A number of concerned friends have called and asked how I was doing after my colonoscopy procedure today . Rather than phone you all and give you the sordid details I thought one-general E-mail would do it . I didn’t really have a burning desire (pardon the pun) to have a colonoscopy but my primary care doctor thought, at my age it would be a good thing to do as part of my overall physical . I had to make an appointment with Dr . Hoffman, a gastroenterologist over 3 weeks out . They are that popular . (This is the kind of doctor, when at home, who probably doesn’t stir his iced tea with his finger) . About a week ago I was sent several pages of written instructions, and a prescription for products called DucoLax, (little tiny orange pills with the power to blow a 14 inch hole through solid concrete) and plastic bottle of MiraLax, (short for miracle laxative),which comes in a plastic bottle large enough to hold a microwave oven . I will discuss MiraLax in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies . I spent the next several days traveling for Mastermedia and being nervous . Then, yesterday, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation . In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food all day yesterday . At 4:00 PM yesterday afternoon I took two of the little orange DucoLax pills, (don’t let their little size fool you), then, at exactly 6:00 PM yesterday evening, I took the MiraLax powder . You mix the entire contents of this huge plastic bottle of powder together in with a large liter jug of Poweraide . I was already concerned mixing anything with the word power with a miracle laxative but I did what I was told . (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons . ) Then you have to drink it all! This takes about an hour, because MiraLax tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon . The instructions for MiraLax, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result . ' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground . At 8:00 PM I was instructed to take another two tiny DucoLax pills just to be damn sure . The combination of DucoLax and MiraLax combined is what they refer to as a nuclear laxative experience . I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MiraLax experience, with you playing the part of the shuttle . There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt . You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently . You eliminate everything . And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink the rest of the liter of MiraLax, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet . After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep . This morning my wife, Joanne, drove me to the clinic . I was understandably nervous . Not only was I worried about the procedure but I had been experiencing episodic/occasional return bouts of DucoLax/MiraLax spurtage . I was thinking, 'What if I should spurt on or near Joanne?' How do you apologize to your wife for something like that? Flowers would not be enough! Today, after filling out reams of electronic legal forms in Dr . Hoffman’s office his nurse showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Mandarin on the way to Orange Park . Then she explained the entire colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner . Everything went fine until she said “'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!” Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital gowns designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked . The nice nurse named Barbara put a little needle in a vein in my right hand . Barbara told me that some people put vodka in their MiraLax . At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, I could just see myself staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode . We would have no choice but to burn down our house . When everything was ready Barbara wheeled me into the procedure room, where Dr . Hoffman was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist . I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Dr . Hoffman had it hidden around there somewhere . I was seriously nervous at this point . The doctor had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand . I have no idea what happened next . I slept through the entire procedure . One moment, I was looking at an image on a monitor of the last guy’s colon and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood . Dr . Hoffman was looking down at me and asking me how I felt . I felt excellent . I felt even more excellent when he told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors . I have never been prouder of an internal organ . The Nurse gave me some water and finally I said "Thanks", but somehow the expression "Up Yours" or "Bottoms-Up" I thought would have had a more appropriate ring to it! I did end up with some interesting color photographs of the interior of my colon, which I will be submitting to a photo contest somewhere in the near future . Should any of you want a few wallet-sized prints, just let me know . There will be about a three-week wait for the Refrigerator magnet photos, so just be patient . The End (pardon the pun again)! My answer: I get my next annual grommet test this coming October 31st at Zero Dark:Early . . . which is Navy for 6AM I can attest to the fact that everything this guy experienced is exactly the truth . . . but he forgot about the "amnesia-anesthesia" that makes one combative after it's all over and you call them the next day and argue with the nurse that you never had the procedure and you want to know what kinda mean trick is it to get you to go through all that prep and nothing happened at all . My wife was tugging my arm saying that I HAD had the whole thing done, and I was on the phone yelling at the nurse calling her mean, demented and a nasty person (Not quite my words, but I gotta consider the site here) for making me go through this without the test being done . In the end (no pun intended again), I agreed that SOMETHING had been done, but I was still unsure what it really was and she said she gets special pay to answer all the "day-after calls" from irate patients who say the same thing . I swear that there were things in my intestines that I had eaten in 1946 that now got dislodged and I guess that's kinda good in a . . . "Out with the old; In with the new" kinda way . _________________ Joe (SurferJoe) Vreeland	SurferJoe46 (51)
707749	2008-09-25 20:33:00	:D :D :D :D :D I haven't partaken of this procedure myself, but the email was very well written. Laugh? Damn near rectum!!!	johcar (6283)
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