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Thread ID: 93534	2008-09-21 23:10:00	Monday Laughs: ............Let's pick on the Irish	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
706795	2008-09-21 23:10:00	A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. Before the Croupier passed over the dice, she said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude,' and with that, she stripped butt-naked, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, grabbed the dice as a souvenir and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb. Not all Irish are honest. But all men are men. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6 but as they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, however even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish Medical Alert An Irish woman was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung, --------------------------------------------------------------------- Baptising an Irishman A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is beginning to think he's lost his evangelical touch, so hedunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" (Are you ready for this????) The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Not yet, are you sure dis is where he fell in?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked him to send Sean in to identify the body. Sean came in, took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a**holes." "What, he had two a**holes?!!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, Here comes Paddy with them two a**holes...." Cheers Billy 8-{) :clap	Billy T (70)
706796	2008-09-21 23:55:00	"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."	johcar (6283)
706797	2008-09-22 01:06:00	Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs . The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning . As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores . As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine . One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in . Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived . 'Hello! . . . Hello!' she shouted . 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!' For a long while, there was no answer . Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?' Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing, 'Vote for Winston Peters - Vote for Winston Peters Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive . :D	smithie 38 (6684)
706798	2008-09-22 01:24:00	The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words . Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room . "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!" Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics . He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects . "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused . "The holiday did him the world of good . " "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness . "That's because he died in his sleep . " explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!" "Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty . Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble . "Is that you Murphy?" called his wife . "Byjasis! It damned well better be!" Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding . "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above . "To be sure I am," replied Murphy . "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" Called Gallagher . "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!" Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question . "First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked . "Pass", came the reply . Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking . "It's best if we split up," said Paddy . "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock" . Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car . "Where the hell did you get that?" Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up . She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off . "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy . "Good choice too," said Shamus . "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes . " PADDY . . . "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them . " "Three?" . . . Suggested Shaun . Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle . "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer . "Tis Lourdes holy water . I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy . The officer took the bottle and tried some . "Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered . "Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle . " On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub . The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle . "What's it for?" asked Paddy . "It's for a poor widow with 13 kids . " said the barman . Paddy shook his head, "No good for me . I'd never be able to keep them . "	Marnie (4574)
706799	2008-09-22 05:03:00	It was ta coldest day in Dublin for the Winter so faar, and Paddy was standin' on the corner waitin' fer a bus next to a frail nun in her flimsy black frock . As the winds swept up under her skirts and just as she swooned, Paddy caught the wee nun and looking around for a place to warm her up, he spies a convenient pub . He asked the little nun if she would mind bein' taken into a pub, an' he said: "Would the sister mind so much if I took her into a pub to warm up a bit?" "No" she answered, "but would ye be so kind as to take me tow'rd the rear of the pub so no one could say that they saw a nun, sitting in a pub with a man?" "Tis no problem" he said and sitting her in a booth he then asked her if she would perhaps take a bit o' Scotch whiskey to warm her innards . "Not 'tall, but would ye be putting that whiskey in a paper cup so that no-one would see a nun, sitting in a pub, in a booth, sipping whiskey with a man?" "Aye" he said and walks toward the barkeep, asking him for a double of his finest Scotch whiskey, and another one , a double, in a paper cup . Without even looking up the bartender asks: "'Tis that nun in here again" .	SurferJoe46 (51)
706800	2008-09-22 05:08:00	News report in the Dublin Evening Mail. A 6 seater Cessna crashed into a hillside cemetery this afternoon, killing all aboard. So far 13 bodies have been recovered, and digging is continuing into the night.	wratterus (105)
706801	2008-09-22 05:35:00	Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and said "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?" Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . See how THEY f..ing like it !"	smithie 38 (6684)
706802	2008-09-22 11:06:00	The Irish moon probe has been cancelled due to running out of scaffolding at 17,000 feet.	R2x1 (4628)
706803	2008-09-22 11:13:00	On an Irish mystery bus trip they ran a sweep on who could guess their destination. The driver won 50 quid	Dally (6292)
706804	2008-09-23 01:25:00	How do you spell that? Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car . Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken . ' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street ' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?' Silence . After a minute: - Operator: ‘Are you there sir?' Silence . A minute later: - Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me!!?' This goes on for another few minutes until:- Operator: 'Sir, please answer me . Can you still hear me!!?' Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat . I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street!'	Cicero (40)
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