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Thread ID: 93721	2008-09-28 21:43:00	Monday Funnies!	nofam (9009)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
708413	2008-09-28 21:43:00	Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update SOCIALISM You have 2 cows . You give one to your neighbour . COMMUNISM You have 2 cows . The State takes both and gives you some milk . FASCISM You have 2 cows . The State takes both and sells you some milk . NAZISM You have 2 cows . The State takes both and shoots you . BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows . The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away . . . TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows . You sell one and buy a bull . Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows . You sell them and retire on the income . SURREALISM You have two giraffes . The government requires you to take harmonica lessons AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows . You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows . Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead . ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows . You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows . The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company . The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more . You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows . No balance sheet provided with the release . The public then buys your bull . A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows . You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows . A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows . You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk . You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide . A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows . You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves . AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are . You decide to have lunch . A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows . You count them and learn you have five cows . You count them again and learn you have 42 cows . You count them again and learn you have 2 cows . You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka . A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows . None of them belong to you . You charge the owners for storing them . A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows . You have 300 people milking them . You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity . You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation . AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows . You worship them . A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows . One is mad the other has foot and mouth . AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows . You tell them that you have none . No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country . You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy . . . . A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows . Business seems pretty good . You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate . AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows . The one on the left looks very attractive .	nofam (9009)
708414	2008-09-28 21:50:00	Admiral Nelson's Fleet Confronts the French and Spanish Warships off Trafalgar Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life." Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that the government plans on legislation making it compulsory, sir." Nelson: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."	nofam (9009)
708415	2008-09-28 21:50:00	AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. :lol: :clap :clap	wratterus (105)
708416	2008-09-29 01:49:00	Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."	SurferJoe46 (51)
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