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Thread ID: 93884	2008-10-05 18:47:00	Monday Laughs: ............Man vs Woman, the unequal contest.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
709811	2008-10-05 18:47:00	The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment . Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight . Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM . ' He left it where he knew she would find it . The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight . Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed . The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up . ' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests . **************************************** Wife VS Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word . An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position . As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws' . **************************************** Women's Revenge 'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase . As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse . 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked . 'No,' she replied,' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally . ' **************************************** Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective) I know I'm not going to understand women . I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, yet still be afraid of a spider . **************************************** Words A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day . . . . 30,000 to a man's 15,000 . The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . . . The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' **************************************** Creation A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time . ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain' . 'God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!' **************************************** Who Does What? A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning . The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee . ' The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee . ' Wife says, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee . ' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me . ' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . . . . . . . . . . 'HEBREWS' God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece . **************************************** Husband's Last Request John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully . "Give me one last request, dear," he said . "Of course, John," his wife said softly . "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob . " "But I thought you hated Bob," she said . With his last breath John said, "I do!" **************************************** Eve's Talk With God "Lord, I have a problem . " "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy . " "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples . " "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution . I shall create a man for you . " "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits . He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time . But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things . I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy all your physical needs . He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about . He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly . " "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well . . . you can have him on one condition . As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring . . . so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . And it will have to be our little secret . . . . . you know, woman to woman . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
709812	2008-10-05 18:55:00	A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!" ****************** A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"	johcar (6283)
709813	2008-10-05 19:26:00	One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today . I drove a nail into the 4 by 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn . You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields . After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door . Maggie takes him down to the barn . They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one . . . right here . ' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple . By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently . Then the man asks, 'But what's the nail for?' She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on . ' :D	smithie 38 (6684)
709814	2008-10-05 20:17:00	An old lady is like a tube of toothpaste: she may be old an wrinkled, but if you squeeze her hard enough you may find there is still something left. Ladies: If your electric blanket doesn't work, don't try and fix it yourself - call a man in. I have a digital alarm clock. Every morning at 6am my wife pokes me in the ribs with her finger. Did you hear about the girl who mixed up her birth control pills with her saccharin tablets? Now she has the sweetest baby in town. Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a dress for a ridiculous price actually bought it for an absurd figure.	Roscoe (6288)
709815	2008-10-06 01:50:00	A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. A Women's Guide To Male English -- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? -- I'm hungry = I'm hungry -- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy -- I'm tired = I'm tired -- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! -- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! A Man's Guide To Female English -- We need to talk = I need to complain -- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to -- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important -- We need = I want -- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now -- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later -- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! -- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot -- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? -- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period -- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs -- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... -- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white -- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! -- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep -- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive -- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like -- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV -- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful -- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me -- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] -- Yes = No -- No = No -- Maybe = No -- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry -- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house -- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it -- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. -- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?	wratterus (105)
709816	2008-10-06 02:56:00	True story: I've been shopping with SWMBO the last few weekends. Weekend before last she got a pair of boots for $180, and a top for $60. This weekend, she got a pair of pants for $105. I informed her last night that I'm going to buy myself a (slightly) flash bbq (around $560). She pulled all sorts of faces and said we needed to discuss the expenditure of our money. I'm actually paying for it with the money I make from doing the odd PC fix for workmates etc. Where's the logic I ask you?????? :groan: :D	nofam (9009)
709817	2008-10-06 03:37:00	True story: I've been shopping with SWMBO the last few weekends. Weekend before last she got a pair of boots for $180, and a top for $60. This weekend, she got a pair of pants for $105. I informed her last night that I'm going to buy myself a (slightly) flash bbq (around $560). She pulled all sorts of faces and said we needed to discuss the expenditure of our money. I'm actually paying for it with the money I make from doing the odd PC fix for workmates etc. Where's the logic I ask you?????? :groan: :D What has logic to do with it... this is a woman you are dealing with Nofam. Learn the magic words "Yes Dear" Ken :thumbs:	kenj (9738)
709818	2008-10-06 03:52:00	Logic does not come into it with woman. :p	wratterus (105)
709819	2008-10-06 03:54:00	What has logic to do with it . . . this is a woman you are dealing with Nofam . Learn the magic words "Yes Dear" Ken :thumbs: <sigh> . . . . . once again I bow to your vastly more experienced tactics Ken! :p I shall try harder to not question Her and Her Decisions	nofam (9009)
709820	2008-10-06 04:55:00	What has logic to do with it... this is a woman you are dealing with Nofam. Learn the magic words "Yes Dear" Ken :thumbs: A high school fling I had was with an Italian girl. She's a typical Italian who eats a bunch of pasta and bread most times we went out. She paid for herself, so naturally I paid for myself and pasta being pasta here, my wallet kept bleeding. I then once suggested we go get something authentic to me and get some Chinese. She said no rather quickly and dragged me to some Italian pasta place. So I guess the whole woman logic doesn't regard age does it? :(	qazwsxokmijn (102)
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