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Thread ID: 94211	2008-10-20 01:32:00	Monday Laughs: ............Monkey Business	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
713307	2008-10-20 01:32:00	A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey . He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place . He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole . The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar . Sorry . I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff . " He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves . Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him . He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again . While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar . He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it . Then he finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it . The bartender is disgusted . "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks . "No, what?" replies the guy . "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, then ate them!" said the bartender . "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy . "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first . " ****************************************** Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work . The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives . After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing . The following week they met up again to compare notes . Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat . When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels . He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right there and then!' The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps . He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date! The married woman put her glass down and said, 'Well, I did a lot of planning . I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's . I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume . I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos . I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action . When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batwoman, what's for dinner?' ****************************************** Blonde Joke No . 103-247809 A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom . She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting . "What's up?" she asks . "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband . The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son rushes up and says, "Mummy! Mummy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door . Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor . "You rotten "*****", she screams . "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!" ****************************************** Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi-Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer . This is great news, and means it will soon be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one . Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink" . Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO . Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimers research . This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what they are, or what to do with them . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
713308	2008-10-20 01:38:00	That blonde joke is brilliant! :lol: :lol:	wratterus (105)
713309	2008-10-20 03:17:00	100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing; the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" “HE SAID WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA,” said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the photographer. Yet again: "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted, "ME FIRST!" :D	smithie 38 (6684)
713310	2008-10-20 03:45:00	In view of international events I thought this may help explain things . Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the Villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each . The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to The forest and started catching them . The man bought thousands at $10 And, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort . He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey . This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching Monkeys again . . . Soon the supply diminished even further and people Started going back to their farms . The offer increased to $25 each, and The supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find A monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since He had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy On behalf of him . In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers . "Look at All these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected . I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the City, you can sell them to him for $50 each . " The villagers rounded up All their savings and bought all the monkeys . They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works . ;)	B.M. (505)
713311	2008-10-20 05:15:00	Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******. 3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 1 1. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 1 3. Glibido : All talk and no action. 1 4. Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 1 5. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 1 6. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 1 7. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate , v.! to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly , adj. impotent. 6. Negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph , v. to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.. 1 1. Testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 1 3. Pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.. 1 4. Oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 1 5. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 1 6. Circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men	gary67 (56)
713312	2008-10-20 05:37:00	She told me we couldn't afford beer any more and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back......	allblack (6574)
713313	2008-10-22 22:12:00	They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail... I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us!... One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them said, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?' They Walk Among Us!... While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' ; When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' They Walk Among Us!... My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot. They Walk Among Us!... (I LOVE THIS ONE!) I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?' They Walk Among Us!... While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' Yep, They Walk Among Us! They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, and Worst of all .....they Vote!	Cicero (40)
713314	2008-10-23 02:00:00	Yep, They Walk Among Us! They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, and Worst of all .....they Vote! When we catch them here, we deport them to NZ.	SurferJoe46 (51)
713315	2008-10-23 02:36:00	When we catch them here, we deport them to NZ. Which would explain why many of the Americans I've met couldn't find their arse with two hands... :p	Thebananamonkey (7741)
713316	2008-10-23 05:03:00	?!?!?! Whaaaaa?	SurferJoe46 (51)
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