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Thread ID: 94392	2008-10-27 19:59:00	Monday Laughs: ....Sex, Sharemarket, Blondes, Cannibals, just a typical Monday	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
715171	2008-10-27 19:59:00	After his annual exam the doctor said to the elderly Southern man: 'You appear to be in good health . Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do,' said the old man . 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly . ' Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine . Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns . The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern . He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time . Do you know why?' 'Oh that silly old fool,' she replied . 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July . ' *************************************** A man walks into a bar with a paper bag . He sits down and places the bag on the counter . The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag? The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 30cm high and sets him on the counter . He then reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well . He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano . The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get him?' asks the bartender . The man responds by again reaching into the paper bag . This time he pulls out a magic lamp . He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here . Rub it' . So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a flash and a cloud of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him . 'I will grant you one wish' she says, 'Just ONE wish . Each person who rubs my lamp is only allowed one'! The bartender gets real excited, and without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar . It is soon followed by another duck, then another, and pretty soon the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie is a little hard of hearing . I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks' . 'Tell me about it!!' says the man . 'Do you really think I asked for a 30cm pianist?' *************************************** Stockmarket Quote of the Day "This is worse than a divorce . I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife" *************************************** A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal . Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu . . . + Grilled Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $7 . 00 + Fried Explorer: $9 . 00 + Freshly baked Members of Parliament or Local Body Politicians: $150 . 00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to prepare one? They're so thick and full of sh*t, it takes all morning to clean them and then they have to hang for a week to tenderise . ' *************************************** A big mining company recently hired several cannibals . 'You are all part of our team now', said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing . 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees' . The cannibals promised they would not . Six weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you . However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared . Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads indicating 'no' . After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?' A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued furiously, 'You fool!!!!! For six weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!! *************************************** Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man . " Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives . " Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" *************************************** A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert . They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, and because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey . The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and the blonde took the door . After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The brunette responded, "If I get hot and thirsty,I can drink the fluid . " Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?" So the redhead said "If I get hot or tired and need a rest, I am not going to sit on the hot sand . I can sit on this comfortable seat . " Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door . The blonde quickly responded, "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :rolleyes:	Billy T (70)
715172	2008-10-27 21:25:00	Two guys were crossing the Nullarbor when their car broke down. They had been walking for hours and were reaching the crawling stage when one shouted, "Look, a bacon tree. You know what that means? Where there's a tree there's water. I can't walk any more. How about you go and get me a bacon sandwich and a glass of water, please." The second guy thought the heat had got to him so he agreed. He was back three days later. He had spears and arrows all over him and a boomerang sticking out of his leg. "Well, where's my bacon sandwich and glass of water?" "You and your bloody bacon tree! That was no bacon tree. That was an ambush!"	Roscoe (6288)
715173	2008-10-27 22:09:00	One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn was six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a garage sale.' :D	smithie 38 (6684)
715174	2008-10-27 22:36:00	Monday Laughs - Hope its not wishful thinking One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached Premier House from across Tinakori Road, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the security officer guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Helen Clark.' The security officer looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Ms Clark is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here.' The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away. The following day, the same man approached Premier House and said to the security officer 'I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Helen Clark.' The security man again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Ms Clark is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here.' The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached Premier House and spoke to the same guard, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Helen Clark.' The guard, understandably fed up, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have come here asking to speak to Ms Clark. 'I've told you already that Ms Clark is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?' The old man looked at the guard and said, 'Oh, I understand ... 'I just love hearing it.' The security officer snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'	KenESmith (6287)
715175	2008-10-28 01:44:00	Let's hope it happens for real Ken	Bantu (52)
715176	2008-10-28 04:09:00	What's the capital of the USA? About minus 7 trillion	Dally (6292)
715177	2008-10-28 21:05:00	Re “Towel Heads”. Recently I received a warning about this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic Terrorists who hate our guts and wish to kill us do not like to be called “Towel Heads” since the item worn on their heads is not a towel, but is in fact a small folded sheet. Therefore from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.” Thank you for your support and compliance in this delicate matter.	R2x1 (4628)
715178	2008-11-01 00:13:00	A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses . When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other . The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal . Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed . Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four . ' 'No, Madam,' he replied . 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2 . 15 . '	Cicero (40)
715179	2008-11-01 00:15:00	Re “Towel Heads”. Recently I received a warning about this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic Terrorists who hate our guts and wish to kill us do not like to be called “Towel Heads” since the item worn on their heads is not a towel, but is in fact a small folded sheet. Therefore from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.” Thank you for your support and compliance in this delicate matter. If like me you get told off for that kind of humour,then so be it. You naughty ,naughty boy.	Cicero (40)
715180	2008-11-01 01:37:00	If like me you get told off for that kind of humour,then so be it. You naughty ,naughty boy. I will consider it done. :(	R2x1 (4628)
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