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Thread ID: 94526	2008-11-02 19:48:00	Monday Laughs: ............Police, and other Public Officials	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
716712	2008-11-02 19:48:00	A Few Things the Police Would Like You to Know: Dear Civilian, Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police. If your neighbour is playing loud music at 2:00am or you are drunk and need a ride home, 111 is not the answer. If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got disciplined for rear-ending a guy at Countdown? We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I don't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a supermarket, piss my pants or pass out at a traffic light. When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the Left, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the Right. When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 10K under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please. If we park our patrol car across the road with lights flashing, don't ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON'T DRIVE AROUND US! If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a motorcycle cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds. When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or interviewing a suspect at the side of the road, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain. Here's a sure-fire way to get out of a ticket: Don't break the law. If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over. In one week I pulled over 25 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 had no warrant of fitness, 3 expired registration, 2 drivers had suspended driver's licenses, 2 had no license at all. 1 driver had court warrants and another was a known child sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother's knowledge. If you've just been pulled over doing 90 in a 50 K zone, do not greet me with "What seems to be the problem, officer?" If your car is bouncing along a smooth road with the exhaust scraping on the road, don't try and tell me it's the brothers in the back seat loading the suspension. I know you've chopped the springs, cops know a bit about cars too, it's part of our job. Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either. If it's night time and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin colour. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down. Any time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed armed offender, high on P, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed P affected gunman. Yes, it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either. Police work is.... Writing reports. If you rob a petrol station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a Police dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100. In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on a Police television show. Every traffic stop could end in violence (or worse), but we have to be polite and professional until that time. I've taken about the same number of men as I have women into custody for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man. If the light was orange, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Ditto if you had come to a halt at the Stop sign. Yeah, we make mistakes, so do airline pilots and they can wipe out whole families. Are you 100% perfect in your job? Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me. Enjoy! Police Officers... Our job is to protect your sorry ass, not kiss it! Thank You, The Police ***************************** Never Argue with a Woman... One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, isn't that obvious?) "But you're in a Restricted Fishing Area." he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start fishing at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you", says the game warden. "That's true" she says, "but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am" he said, and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. ***************************** A man calls in the local Animal Control because there is an angry gorilla on his roof and he can't figure out how to get it down. The van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a cricket bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. The old man briefs the homeowner, "Okay, here's what we are going to do. I'll go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this cricket bat until he falls down. When he falls down, the dog will bite him in the nuts until he's incapacitated." "Great," says the homeowner. "Just one question. What am I supposed to do with the gun" "If I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog." ***************************** A car gets a flat on the motorway one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The life-like cardboard men are in trench coats and are exposing their nude bodies and rampant genitals to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic rapidly becomes snarled and backs up several kilometres so it isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer gets out of his vehicle and clearly annoyed, approaches the blonde driver of the disabled vehicle and asks pointedly "What's going on here?" "My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks. "Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
716713	2008-11-02 21:15:00	A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday . He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank . He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,only bananas and coconuts . After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen in his whole life rows up to the shore . In disbelief, he asks, ' Where did you come from? How did you get here? She replies ' I rowed from the other side of the island . I landed here when my cruise ship sank . ' ' Amazing, ' he notes . ' You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you . ' ' Oh, this thing? ' explains the woman . ' I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island . The oars were whittled from gum tree branches . I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree . ' ' But, where did you get the tools? ' ' Oh, that was no problem, ' replied the woman . ' On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed . I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in the kiln I made, it melted into ductile iron . I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware . . ' The guy is stunned . ' Let ' s row over to my place, ' she says . After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf . As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat . Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white . While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck . As they walk into the house, she says casually, ' It ' s not much but I call it home . Sit down, please . Would you like a drink? ' ' No! No thank you, ' he blurts out, still dazed . ' I can ' t take another drop of coconut juice . ' ' It ' s not coconut juice, ' winks the woman . ' I made a still . How would you like a Pina Colada? ' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk . After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ' I ' m going to slip into something more comfortable . Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet . ' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom . There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone . Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism . ' This woman is amazing, ' he muses . ' What next? ' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias . She beckons for him to sit down next to her . ' Tell me, ' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ' We ' ve been out here for many months . You ' ve been lonely . There ' s something I ' m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you ' ve been longing for? ' She stares meaningfully into his eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He swallows excitedly, a lump in his throat, fire flaring in his loins and a tear pricking at his eye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bloody hell, don ' t tell me you ' ve got Sky Sports? '	Cicero (40)
716714	2008-11-02 21:32:00	Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who's wife had twins? They called them Hose A and Hose B. 300 dozen eggs were stolen from the local hen battery. Police suspect poachers. Statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex.	Roscoe (6288)
716715	2008-11-02 21:35:00	:lol: Good one Cic. On a desert island in the middle of the ocean, the following groups of beautiful people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 American men and 1 American woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the two German men. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of 'fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last 'boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.	wratterus (105)
716716	2008-11-02 22:31:00	I knew I shouldn't have come to work today - as soon as I sat down at my desk I totally lost control (www.imagef1.net.nz)	nofam (9009)
716717	2008-11-02 22:35:00	A cabbie picks up a Nun . She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her . She asks him why he is staring . He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you . ' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me . When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything . I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive . ' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun . ' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to be single #2 You must be Catholic . The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single & Catholic' 'OK' the nun says . 'Pull into the next alley . ' The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush . But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying . 'My dear child,' says the nun, ' Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned . I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish . . ' The nun says, 'That's OK . My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress party . '	nofam (9009)
716718	2008-11-03 00:49:00	A husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'	nofam (9009)
716719	2008-11-03 01:15:00	Love the electric fence one nofam!!! :banana :clap :banana:clap :banana	johcar (6283)
716720	2008-11-04 19:35:00	Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well, only two left.'	Marnie (4574)
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