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Thread ID: 145901 2018-02-25 05:47:00 Monday jokes kenj (9738) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1446736 2018-02-25 05:47:00 Cricket humour:

While sitting and watching the England v. NZ OLD I recalled a couple of funny things said by cricket commentators

The oft-cited quote "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey" supposedly occurred when Michael Holding of the West Indies was bowling to Peter Willey of England in a Test match at The Oval in 1976.

The other was Clive Lloyd, a former England player who is a guest commentator for the current series. He has a great love of Foveaux Straight oysters and was being teased about the so told aphrodisiac qualities. He said "I had 5 dozen of them the other day and it is all very well that they put lead in your pencil, but I have no one to write a letter to.

Ken :) 		kenj (9738)
1446737 2018-02-25 06:24:00 Bran Muffins

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.


'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f**kin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT? 		smithie 38 (6684)
1446738 2018-02-25 07:23:00 A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while”. Billy says: “I’m fine, mummy ... I just haven’t gone yet”. “Ok” says mum “you can stay here a few more minutes ... but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Billy says “Works for tomato sauce!” 		tutaenui (1724)
1446739 2018-02-25 09:21:00 One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is: For guys, just reverse the gender.
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing yourself lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of
one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs
your a**.
That's Bill Clinton

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you
were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America! 		Marnie (4574)
1446740 2018-02-25 17:01:00 More from What They Really Mean

1 Its All New - Its not compatible with previous versions

2 Fully Integrated - It comes in the same box

3 State of the Art - Its full of bugs 		Digby (677)
1446741 2018-02-26 01:50:00 A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson,
"You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied,
"The holes are numbered." 		Roscoe (6288)
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