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Thread ID: 145854	2018-02-11 06:31:00	Monday Laughs - please contribute	Roscoe (6288)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1446165	2018-02-11 06:31:00	A chap went into a talent booking agent and said, “I have a fantastic act for you . ” He opened his briefcase, took out a toy piano then out came a small man – only a foot tall – wearing a top hat and tails – and sat down and played Mozart, Beethoven and Schubert, beautifully . “That’s great! I’ll have him booked in at venues all over the country, on television as well – but where on earth did you get him?” “Well, I was holidaying in Ireland when I came across a leprechaun trapped under a log . He was that grateful for me freeing him that he granted me one wish . ” “And this wash your wish?” the talent booking agent said incredulously . “Well, not exactly . The leprechaun was a little hard of hearing so I ended up with a twelve inch pianist . ”	Roscoe (6288)
1446166	2018-02-11 07:13:00	(Someone's gotta try this) :) ------------------------- Police: Where do u live? Me: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Me: With Me. Police: Where do you all live? Me: Together. Police: Where is your house? Me: Next to my neighbors house. Police: Where is your neighbors house? Me: You won't believe me if I tell you. Police: Tell Me! Me: Next to my house. --------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"	wainuitech (129)
1446167	2018-02-11 07:15:00	Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships? So that when the ships return to port they can Scandinavian.	tutaenui (1724)
1446168	2018-02-11 19:46:00	MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! (Which we hope won't happen) This is good to know. MEDICAL ALERT The British Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know. ************************************************** ****************** Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?" Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"	smithie 38 (6684)
1446169	2018-02-11 21:28:00	"'Confidence is half the battle,' they say . I shouldn't imagine that's official military advice . 'Sorry, the guns have jammed and we've lost all our armour, but we still have positive body language; that ought to see us through some desert combat . '" Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump . I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me . ” I said, “God loves you . Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes . ” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian . ” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant . ” I said, “Me too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist . ” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist . ” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist . ” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region . ” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912 . ” Content continues below ad I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him off the bridge . ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theorem . A cat has nine tails . Proof . No cat has eight tails . Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails . QED ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Minister of Education is hiring a new mathematian . Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B . Sc . in statistics . All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?" The pure mathematician: "It's one . " The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0 . 999999999 . " The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"	piroska (17583)
1446170	2018-02-12 04:08:00	What do you get when you cross PM Jacinda Ardern with James Dean? A rebel without a clue… :devil	WalOne (4202)
1446171	2018-02-12 04:43:00	What do you get when you cross PM Jacinda Ardern with James Dean? A rebel without a clue… :devil Political content and biased opinion there, Wal?:devil What do you get if you live near Lumsden but really live in Wellington? Double Dipton!:clap:banana:banana	KarameaDave (15222)
1446172	2018-02-12 04:49:00	Touche (hoist on my own petard?) :)	WalOne (4202)
1446173	2018-02-12 09:07:00	Why are Bachelors slimmer than the Married Men?? Bachelors return from work, see the same boring stuff in the 'FRIDGE' and go to 'BED'... Married Men return from work, see the same boring stuff in 'BED' and go to the 'FRIDGE'...	bk T (215)
1446174	2018-02-12 19:58:00	What do you get if you live near Lumsden but really live in Wellington? Double Dipton!: Technically Lumsden and Dipton are not the same place.	piroska (17583)
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