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| Thread ID: 145854 | 2018-02-11 06:31:00 | Monday Laughs - please contribute | Roscoe (6288) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1446175 | 2018-02-12 21:24:00 | Paddy's walking down the street and sees a good friend Mickey, sitting on the curb bawling his eyes out. "What's got you so down?" he says Paddy. Mickey says: "You know I'm the animal trainer for the circus - right?" "Of course I do" Paddy answers. "What has happened that makes you so sad?" "The elephant died last night. I found her when I went in to give her a 'Good-Morning' pat and I can't get over it". "Oh M`lord, I never knew you were so fond of the elephant!" said Paddy, looking at his friend.... just bawling his eyes out even worse now. "Yer sure taking this kinda hard, aren't you?" "Oh, it's not that I was fond of the elephant" Mickey answers. "Then what's got you so disturbed?" "Oh," said Mickey, "I have to bury her" |
SurferJoe46 (51) | ||
| 1446176 | 2018-02-12 22:04:00 | This one will get me in trouble - betcha! Before you light the torches and sharpen your pitchforks, this it the way I heard it originally . __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________________________ There was a terrible overpopulation of kangaroos in a small town in central Australia and the local population was having a very bad time keeping them out of the fields, and from eating all the crops . The 'roos had been living in the caves, fat and sassy, prospering and having young in record numbers with all the food they were eating at the farmer's cost . The townspeople called on the Chief Constable and he decided that he'd form a para-militia of fifty imported New Zealanders to go into the caves where the kangaroos had set up their nurseries and eradicate them with flame throwers, grenades and machine guns . There was to be a Grand Welcome-Home Celebration for the men when they came out of the caves, hopefully having by then destroyed all the 'roos . A military brass band and grandstands with presentations of ribbons of valor were to be given to each of the fifty returnees - with all the local politicos and their constituents present . It was going to be a grand celebration for all . Free beer . Free food, etc . The whole town and township had arrived early to witness the Kiwis return, and the big beer-bust that would ensue when they all checked in was of great interest and a sure motivator! Hours went by - 'way past the deadline that they had originally agreed upon . Gazing at his watch, the Chief Constable was getting nervous - this didn't look good, er, poliitically: the band was waiting, the photographers were all armed and ready, the newspapers were all present and yet - no returnees . After anxiously waiting for another hour, the Chief Constable told one of his officers to go into the caves and see for himself what the delay was and when they might expect to have the party start . There was murmuring in the crowd . In went the junior officer and he was gone for over an hour - returning at long last all disheveled and scratched badly on his face and arms and back, his uniform shredded and tattered . He breathlessly told the Chief Constable that all the men were accounted for (thankfully, thought the Chief Constable - after all, this was an election year!) and that they were for the most part, bearing few wounds . The Chief Constable didn't need to have Kiwis missing in action or worse yet, dead from the 'Roo War . That would look very bad in his dossier . And the news . "Then what's the big hold up!" yelled the Chief Constable to his junior officer, who was licking his wounds . "Oh, they say they're not coming back Sir" he said . "Not coming back? Why is this happening?" he asked! "Well Sir, they've decided to take war brides" . |
SurferJoe46 (51) | ||
| 1446177 | 2018-02-12 22:20:00 | The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron . -Phyllis Diller His finest hour lasted a minute and a half . -Phyllis Diller Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves . -Phyllis Diller My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me . -Phyllis Diller I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive . My boyfriend lives forty miles away . -Phyllis Diller Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children . -Phyllis Diller I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass . ' -Phyllis Diller The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing . -Phyllis Diller You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type . -Phyllis Diller |
user (1404) | ||
| 1446178 | 2018-02-13 20:36:00 | Thank you for your contributions which has made Mondays Laughs. It has been a great success. I will be on holiday as from next week and will be unable to start Monday Laughs so I am looking for someone else to post the first joke. I'm certain that won't be a problem. |
Roscoe (6288) | ||
| 1446179 | 2018-02-17 03:35:00 | Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine." |
Eliza23 (17586) | ||
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