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Thread ID: 94721	2008-11-09 19:54:00	Monday Laughs: ............The election's over, for better or for worse.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
719098	2008-11-09 19:54:00	The $100 Tattoo Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, asks "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Why on earth would an accountant want to get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, firstly, I like to watch my money grow. Secondly, once in a while I like to play with my money. Thirdly, I like how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want." Larry is recovering in Room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital. ***************************************** Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th College reunion. Their talk turns to their position in life.... AND there's a lot of one-upmanship going on. The first woman says.... "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour. The second woman says.... "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and she too looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says.... "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, BUT, 13 canaries can stand shoulder-to-shoulder on my husband's erect penis." After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says.... "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera, we're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says.... "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a new Mercedes, he bought me a second-hand Toyota." "Well," the third woman says.... " Since we're being honest, I also have a confession to make." "The 13th Canary has to stand on one leg." ***************************************** The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to think about it then come up with a short poem that contained that word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU' First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop-up tent They were three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu The aboriginal won. ***************************************** Insert stereotype of your choice: A brown-faced man of indeterminate racial origins (BFMOIRO) picks up a hooker on K. Road. "How much do you charge an hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies. He says "Do you do BFMOIRO style?" "No" she says. "I pay you $200 to do it BFMOIRO style" "No", she says, not knowing what BFMOIRO style is. "I pay you $300" "No", she says. "I pay you $400" "No", she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it BFMOIRO style." She thinks, "Well, I've been on the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world, so how bad could BFMOIRO style be?". So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting, but that was pretty damned good, so what exactly is "BFMOIRO style?" The BFMOIRO replies "Either I'll pay you next month, or you send the bill to Social Welfare" ***************************************** Late one rainy spring night in Wellington, a taxi driver is cruising through Hataitai and spots an arm waving from the shadows of an shop doorway. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Wilton Road," answered the woman. "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her in his mirror and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at? "Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" ***************************************** An old cowboy sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "Well, I'm a lesbian! I spend my whole day just thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
719099	2008-11-09 20:01:00	Excellent Billy	Bantu (52)
719100	2008-11-09 20:47:00	Well, since Billy's already lowered the tone: Scottish craftsmen have designed the perfect barstool ( 1. net.nz/files/Scottish_Bar_Stool_%28for_Kilts%2 9. jpg" target="_blank">www.imagef 1. net.nz) for Scots who partake their wee dram while wearing a kilt... **************** Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women - PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. **************** "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving? Call 0800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. **************** TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN	johcar (6283)
719101	2008-11-09 22:19:00	Neat there johcar.... Scottish craftsmen have designed the perfect barstool for Scots who partake their wee dram while wearing a kilt... I'm off out to the workshop right now..... :thumbs:	Scouse (83)
719102	2008-11-09 22:22:00	That chair would be comfortable, kilt or no.	wratterus (105)
719103	2008-11-10 01:13:00	That chair would be comfortable, kilt or no. Och aye laddie - crushed plums are nae fit for much else than me breakfast jam ;)	nofam (9009)
719104	2008-11-10 02:59:00	Neat there johcar.... Scottish craftsmen have designed the perfect barstool for Scots who partake their wee dram while wearing a kilt... I'm off out to the workshop right now..... :thumbs: Can I put an order in for a barstool please?	johcar (6283)
719105	2008-11-10 06:09:00	There is some other kind of barstool?	R2x1 (4628)
719106	2008-11-10 07:06:00	A barstool like that reminds one of the old Scottish joke: "What's worn under the kilt?" "Nothing - it's all in perfect working order.":lol: As it has been said, Billy has lowered the tone, so I shall continue in that vein: He: If I offered you a million dollars, would you have sex with me? She: Of course. He: If I offered you ten thousand dollars would you have sex with me? She: Of course I would. He: What if I offered you ten dollars? She: What sort of a girl do you think I am? He: I think that we've already established that. Now we're just haggling over the price.	Roscoe (6288)
719107	2008-11-10 21:54:00	Hey joncar, your barstool made Geekologie. (www.geekologie.com)	ubergeek85 (131)
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