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Thread ID: 94900	2008-11-16 20:26:00	Monday Laughs: ............Flying, and all that jazz	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
720657	2008-11-16 20:26:00	A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F- 16 flashed by and the jet jockey decided to show off . The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb . He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier . The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuckled . 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon muffin . ' When you are young and foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!! As you get older (and wiser) you will understand this one . ******************************************** A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain . His co-pilot is Chinese . It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike . Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese . ' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ' . . . . why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!' 'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese . ' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence . 'I no rike Jews either!' the co-pilot suddenly announces . 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain . 'Jews sink Titanic . ' 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg . . . no mattah . . . all same . ' ******************************************** Irish Airways As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard: PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is? CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus! CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !! PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !! PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !! PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray at de Holy Mudder a Gad !!! CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can . So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul . The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few metres from the end of the runway!!! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, 'Dat has gat at be de shartist fookin runway in de world!' Shamus replied, 'to be sure it is Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?' ******************************************** A man boarded an airplane and took his seat . As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane . He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and as fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his . Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business . I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston . " He swallowed hard . Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded . "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality . " "Really?" he said . "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait . Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best . I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck . " Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed . "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you . I don't even know your name . " "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba . " ******************************************** Confucious say: "Man who walk sideways through airport door, going to Bangkok . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
720658	2008-11-16 21:18:00	Few crackers there today billy! :thumbs: On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him . After takeoff, he asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow . ” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee . When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you ***** . ” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee . Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach . “I've asked you twice for coffee . Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap . ” Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards . Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard . ” __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________ These announcements came over the aircraft PA system after landing . "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings . Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants . Please do not leave children or spouses . " "Last one off the plane must clean it . " And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the Industry . . . Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight . . . !" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking . I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault . . . it was the asphalt!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day . During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it . After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal . " An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard . The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline . " He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment . Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane . She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt . Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate . And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal . " Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today . And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways" __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________________ After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft . The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight . Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor . Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers . By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident . Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent . Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground . Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear . Engineers: Evidence removed . Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud . Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level . Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick . Engineers: That's what friction locks are for . Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode . Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode . Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield . Engineers: Suspect you're right . Pilot: Number 3 engine missing . Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search . Pilot: Aircraft handles funny . Engineers: Aircraft warned tostraighten up, fly right, and be serious . Pilot: Target radar hums . Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics . Pilot: Mouse in cockpit . Engineers: Cat installed . Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer . Engineers: Took hammer away from midget	wratterus (105)
720659	2008-11-16 22:35:00	Thank you Billy . Loved the story about the parrot . :) Did you hear about the airline doing a week long seminar on safety procedures, in one day? It was, as you would expect, a crash course . Sign on a sky diving school: "We'll make you a chuting star . "	Roscoe (6288)
720660	2008-11-16 23:41:00	Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut . A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, F#@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room . Dad reluctantly agrees . Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex . Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement . Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon . ' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment . ' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect . ' Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!' An elderly couple is attending Mass . About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid . '	nofam (9009)
720661	2008-11-16 23:45:00	Upon hearing that her grandfather had died, Katie rushed to her grandmother's house to be by her side. She asked how Grandpa died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on a Sunday morning," Grandma replied. Horrified, Katie said that two people of nearly 100 making love was surely asking for trouble? "Oh no," said her grandmother. " We figured out a long time ago that Sunday morning was the best time. The church bells gave just the right slow rhythm - up on the ding, down on the dong...".. Grandma paused and wiped away a tear. "He'd still be alive if Mr Whippy hadn't come along." :D	nofam (9009)
720662	2008-11-17 00:17:00	Nofam!! ROFLMFAO!!!! :thumbs::thumbs::thumbs::o	wratterus (105)
720663	2008-11-17 01:59:00	Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room . Dad reluctantly agrees . Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex . Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement . Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon . ' I don't get it .	roddy_boy (4115)
720664	2008-11-17 02:08:00	I get it. I guess that makes me smarter than you, doesn't it? For the record, he's talking about "Love, Deuce". Which is tennis scoring. Fairly obvious, even if you don't know too much about tennis.	Thebananamonkey (7741)
720665	2008-11-17 02:30:00	Might as well contribute something; I saw this while going into Polytech: On a towtruck Numberplate: C0FFUP __________ A rich man was bragging to his mates about the new car he had just brought. He said: "It has an MP3 player built-in, whatever that is. It has racing-grade suspension, whatever that is. It had carbon-fibre panelling, whatever that is, and it can stop on a dime, whatever that is."	ubergeek85 (131)
720666	2008-11-17 02:46:00	Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room . Dad reluctantly agrees . Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex . Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement . Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon . ' Wasn't me, I know what love juice is . It's something you drink before you get married to make your wife-to-be look attractive so you don't throw up during the service, and to help numb the pain of her father's sawn-off shotgun buried in the small of your back . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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