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Thread ID: 95087	2008-11-24 01:50:00	Monday Laughs: ............Kids..etc.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
722543	2008-11-24 01:50:00	WHERE DO RED-HAIRED BABIES COME FROM???? After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician . 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair . She can't possibly be mine!' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said . ' 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool . ' 'It isn't possible,' the man insisted . 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations . ' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this . How often do you have sex? ' The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year . We only made love once or twice every few months . ' 'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently . 'It's rust . ' ********************************************* A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it . He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour . The children began to say: 'Red . . . . . . . . . . . . cherry,' 'Yellow . . . . . . . . . lemon,' 'Green . . . . . . . . . . lime, 'Orange . . . . . . . . orange . ' Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops . After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste . 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue . It's what your mother may sometimes call your father . ' One little girl looked up in horror, it out and yelled: 'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!' ********************************************* A Year three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast . To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers . Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G' . 'Very good', says the teacher . Peter says he had toast . 'T-O-A-S-T' . 'Excellent . ' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him . 'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R A-L-L' . The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer . Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions . Susan correctly identifies the Capital of New Guinea . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off New Zealand's east coast . When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a very difficult question . Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother . That's why I got bugger all for breakfast' . Sorry about the delay folks, I was held up by a hospital bed . Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
722544	2008-11-24 02:05:00	Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates . 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven . ' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter . He flicked it on . 'It represents a candle', he said . 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said . The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys . He shook them and said, 'They're bells . ' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates' . The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties . St . Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols . ' :p	nofam (9009)
722545	2008-11-24 03:08:00	Billy, I hope you are feeling okay now and well on your way to good health. Latest Christmas carol for 2008, You'd better watch out You'd better not cry You'd better keep cash I'm telling you why: Recession is coming to town. It's hitting you once, It's hitting you twice It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise Recession is coming to town It's worthless if you've got shares It's worthless if you've got bonds It's safe when you've got cash in hand So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY You'd better watch out You'd better not cry You'd better keep cash I'm telling you why: Recession is coming to town! Finance products are confusing Finance products are so vague The banks make you bear the cost of risk So keep out for goodness sake, OH You'd better watch out You'd better not cry You'd better keep cash I'm telling you why: Recession is coming to town.	Marnie (4574)
722546	2008-11-24 03:47:00	I hope nothing major happened to you, Billy. :thumbs:	Renmoo (66)
722547	2008-11-24 04:23:00	hells bells Billy, I don't want to make a habit out of sending you "stay healthy" messages, Just stay healthy and I won't need to send you another.	Metla (12)
722548	2008-11-24 04:31:00	I want my children to have all the things that I could not afford - then I want to move in with them. One of the most difficult problems faced by a young person leaving home for the first time is giving up the fridge benefits. Young daughter asking questions about her past, "Was I adopted?" Father replied, "Yes, but they brought you back." Announcement in the paper on the birth of twin girls, "Sugar and spice and everything twice." A young father was rewarded with a first time smile from his newly born son. The new dad was ecstatic. To his wife he exclaimed, "Look dear, he's friendly." Fifty years ago, parents were apt to have a lot of kids. Nowadays kids are apt to have a lot of parents. Our kids are overseas paying off their student loans teaching English to foreigners applying for jobs here requiring the same skills our kids took out their loans to obtain! Hope you're feeling better by now, Billy.:)	Roscoe (6288)
722549	2008-11-24 05:06:00	Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter . ' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old . If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance . ' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars . ' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal . I'll take the both of you for a ride . If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars . ' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went . The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard . He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word . When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't . I'm impressed!' :eek: Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!' :D ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A puzzle ----- You are driving in a car at a constant speed: On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you . In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it . Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? -- -- -- Answer: Get off the merry-go-round you're pissed . --------------------------------------------------------------------------- STUD ROOSTER A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,'OK old fart, time for you to retire . ' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens . Look what it has done to me . Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over . ' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around the farmhouse Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop . ' The young rooster laughs . 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man . So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start . ' The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him . They round the front porch of the farm-house and the young rooster has closed the gap . He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast . The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by . The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can . The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits . The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,'Dammit . . . . . third gay rooster I bought this month . ' Moral of this story . . . . Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a Little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance . ;)	wainuitech (129)
722550	2008-11-24 05:12:00	My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No!' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes!' she replied. Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.' :waughh:"WHACK" :waughh: That's the last thing I remember Darn woman, :annoyed: she has absolutely NO sense of humor!	wainuitech (129)
722551	2008-11-24 20:19:00	Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! A good pun is its own reword. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! To err is human, to moo bovine. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.	johcar (6283)
722552	2008-11-25 09:26:00	Thanks for all the kind words Team. I had to go into the shop for a rebore and sleeving job on the inlet manifold to my motor. I had no idea anything was wrong, she wasn't pinking on the hills or blowing smoke or anything, but when they put me on the dyno there was a misfire under load that they didn't much like. It started when my radiator ran dry during my 60th birthday party in June and I ended up face down in the shrubbery, so I was towed off to the workshop and given a thorough going over but nothing was found. My regular mechanic wasn't too happy about that and suggested I do the dyno test and when I got up to peak revs all was revealed. I was wheeled into the workshop a few months later and given the stainless steel rebore treatment but things went a bit pear-shaped in the night so they hooked me up to the hi-tech diagnostics and made some "oh dear" type noises and first thing next morning I was rolled back in for a reservice. That did the trick and I'm home and back to work, though the head nurse here is a bit tough and is watching me like a hawk, she bears a strong resemblance to Mrs T as well, so maybe I'm hallucinating but it's probably just the bucket load of additives I have to take every day for a while. Gave me a bit of a fright I can tell you, I thought I was indestructible but there y' go, too many miles on the clock and the wear starts to show. Most embarrassing part is they had to shave the carpet around my driveshaft and doing me twice meant both sides copped it so now I'm sporting a half Brazilian. :eek: Anyway, it was a wake-up call and I'm all the better for it, but if I'm going to get to you with that bottle of scotch Metla I'm going to have to get serious. I may be down your way early next year but don't hold your breath or go on the wagon in anticipation. Thanks again guys, I really appreciated your comments. Cheers Billy :thanks	Billy T (70)
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