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Thread ID: 95270	2008-11-30 23:29:00	Monday Laughs: ............Smorgasbord.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
724444	2008-11-30 23:29:00	A letter to the Bank Manager: Dear Sir / Madam In view of what seems to be happening internationally with Banks at the present time, I'd be obliged if you could advise me, should one of my cheques be returned marked "insufficient funds" - how do I know whether that refers to my account or to yours? ******************************************** Magic Sandals A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop . From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say: 'You foreigners! Come in . Come into my humble shop . ' So the couple walked in . The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in . Dey makes you wild at sex . ' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was . The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon . ' So, after some badgering from his wife, the husband finally gave in and tried them on, and as soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife had never seen before!! In the blink of an eye he grabbed the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the poor man's thighs . At which point the Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet Mon, de wrong feet!' ******************************************** RWC Fans Beware . . . . . . . . . A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her . One of the bags is ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk . Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag . ' 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady . 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them . Thanks for telling me . . ' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop . 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady . 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot . On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden . So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers . Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes . ' 'Well, that seems only fair . ' laughs the cop . OK, Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, ya know', says the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays . ' ******************************************** A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me . Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men . In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I"m going crazy . What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down . Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" ******************************************** The Straggly Old Cat One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door . She was a sorry sight, skinny, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, and hair all matted down . We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet . We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat . " The vet decided to keep her for a day or so . He said he would let us know when we could come and get her . My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks . " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him . My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye . The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion . The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet . The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor . A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive . He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose . Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant . God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door . Now THAT, my friends, is getting even . Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
724445	2008-11-30 23:45:00	RWC Fans Beware......... A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags is ripped, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.' 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.' 'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK, Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, ya know', says the little old lady, 'Not everybody pays.' :lol::lol:	pcuser42 (130)
724446	2008-12-01 00:04:00	They Walk Among Us :waughh: Some guy bought a new fridge for his house . To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home . You want it, you take it . ' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it . He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal . It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale R50 . ' The next day someone stole it . * ----------------------------------------------------------------- One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted . . . . 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said . . . 'where???'* ------------------------------------------------------ While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning . She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff . ' * -------------------------------------------------------- I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin . She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin . Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kgr . --------------------------------------------------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot ------------------------------------------------------ My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10% . Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases . The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount :drool ---------------------------------------------------------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain . My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned . . . --------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area . So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up . She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands . 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?' . . . ------------------------------------------------------------ While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go . He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 . He thought about it for some time before responding . 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces . ------------------------------------------------------------------ And the sadist one of the Lot--- Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!! :xmouth:	wainuitech (129)
724447	2008-12-01 00:36:00	A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish." *************************** A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." *************************** Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood. The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?" The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you." After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?" The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't." *************************** Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" *************************** A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every rubbish bin they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the rubbish bins. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the rubbish bins." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my pension cheque yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "Twenty-five cents?!" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these rubbish bins around for 25 cents, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.	johcar (6283)
724448	2008-12-01 01:08:00	A man had been stranded on a desert island for some years when out of the surf emerged a beautiful woman in a wet suit. "You look as though you have been here a very long time. When did you last have a cigarette?" and with that she opened her pocket and pulled out a packet of smokes. As he took a long hard drag, she asked, "Would you like a drink as well?" and out of another pocket she produced a bottle of bourbon. While he was emptying the bottle, she looked at him seductively and said, "Would you like to play around?" He replied, "Don't tell me you have a set of golf clubs as well!"	Roscoe (6288)
724449	2008-12-01 03:38:00	Well, It is December: Ten Reasons why a Christmas Tree is Better Than a Man 10 . A Christmas tree smells better 9 . A Christmas tree requires very little maintenance, just a little water, and they're happy . 8 . A Christmas tree takes up less room . 7 . A Christmas tree doesn't invite all of it's friends over for you to feed, while they sit around watching football . 6 . A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls 5 . A Christmas tree adds charm to the home 4 . A Christmas tree never whines . 3 . A Christmas tree doesn't care if your hair is a mess, and you don't feel like putting on your make-up . 2 . A Christmas tree won't eat the last cookie . 1 . They give you a warm feeling with out asking anything in return . and just to be fair: :) Ten Reasons why a Christmas Tree is Better Than a Woman 10 . A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past . 9 . A Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices . 8 . A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet . 7 . A Christmas tree never asks to be taken out . 6 . You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home . 5 . A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it . 4 . When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away . 3 . A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees . 2 . A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day . 1 . A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck	Marnie (4574)
724450	2008-12-02 10:43:00	Not sure whether this one has been posted before or not . But I like it, so . . . . Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know . I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make . I found the number and dialed it . A man answered, saying "Hello . " I politely said, "This is Chris . Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me . I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude . When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits . After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again . When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up . I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer . Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up . When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop . So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone . I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!" and hung up . One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot . Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for . I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me . I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number . A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too . I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is . " I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front . " I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five . " I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too . Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call . Then I came up with an idea . I called ******* #1 . He said, "Hello . " I said, "You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up . ) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen . " He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front . " He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don . And you had better start saying your prayers . " I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up . Then I called ******* #2 . He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, *******," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are . . . " I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance . I'm coming over right now . " Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover . Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd . in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew . NOW I feel much better . Anger management really does work .	johcar (6283)
724451	2008-12-02 19:27:00	Johcar: Whoever wrote that is a real bastard!!! Which is most probably why I enjoyed it so much. Thanks. Made my day.:thumbs:	Roscoe (6288)
724452	2008-12-02 20:11:00	And another: Rules for Driving in Auckland City * When on a one way street, stay to the left to allow oncoming traffic to pass. * Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. * The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. * Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. * Always look both ways when running a red light. * Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. * Making eye contact revokes your right of way. * Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a pedestrian crossing to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. * If a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the footpath. Pedestrians have no rights.	johcar (6283)
724453	2008-12-02 21:16:00	I politely said, "This is Chris . Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" I know a Robyn Carter up your way . :stare:	FoxyMX (5)
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