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Thread ID: 95476 2008-12-08 01:10:00 Monday Laughs:.....The wisdom of lists Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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726581 2008-12-08 01:10:00 The Why's of Men :-

1. Why do men become smarter during sex? (because they are plugged into a genius)

2. Why don't women blink during sex? (they don't have enough time)

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? (they don't stop to ask directions)

4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock) You're laughing, aren't you?!?!

5. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. Why did god make men before women? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down? (don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And many womens' personal favorite:

8. Why did god put men on earth? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just a sour old fart!

***************************************


1. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream. (That explains it all. Of course, who stays awake all night counting their dreams?)

2. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3. The smallest is the male sperm.

4. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. (Goes to show wisdom is not related to height!)

6. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. (Doesn’t it make you wonder who counted them when smell told it all.)

8. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. (At my age, I think it is more the size of a golf ball!)

9. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. ( I wonder why one needs to take aspirin with a full glass of water...aspirin must be stronger than steel?)

10. The human brain can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. (There must be a huge difference between the capacity to "hold" and capacity to "remember!")

11. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. (Only for bright folks who need to keep their count high.)

1 3. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. (So, does this mean that the hair on the chest absorbs alcohol?)

1 4. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

1 5. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. (And we think it is cute to watch a baby suck on his or her toes. How do babies survive?)

16. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. (Wow, gives a whole new definition to being called a "hot head.")

1 7. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

1 8. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. (No wonder love and hate are two sides of the same coin....confusion reigns!)

20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. (No way am I going to comment on that one!)

21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.

You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!!

Have a great day!

***************************************


A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 100 grams to 250 grams.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it." "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."

"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested.

Life is short. Enjoy!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1 * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

***************************************


To maintain a healthy level of insanity


1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your cheques, write 'For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

8. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out the ATM, snatch it up, then jump up and down waving it screaming 'I won! I won!'

12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling 'run for your lives! They're loose!'

1 3. Tell your children over dinner, 'due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1 4. Pick up a box of condoms at the Pharmacy, go to the counter and ask to use the fitting room.

***************************************


HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have (allegedly) made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that they are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :p 		Billy T (70)
726582 2008-12-08 01:42:00 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?
I said “Dust.”

And then the fight started….

******

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said “I want something shiny that goes form 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds”.
I bought her a scale

And then the fight started….

******

When I got home last night my wife demanded I take her someplace expensive…so, I took her to the gas station...

And then the fight started….

******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability, too.”

And then the fight started…

******

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked “Do you know her?”
“Yes” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…. .

******

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slower the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted “I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…. .

******

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'

'I should be in charge,' said the blood 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs, because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal...'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ***hole is usually the one in charge! 		johcar (6283)
726583 2008-12-08 02:00:00 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked “Do you know her?”
“Yes” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”



Brilliant ! - best of the day ! 		Digby (677)
726584 2008-12-08 05:15:00 Bad song titles:

1. I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream.

2. Plant a watermelon on my grave and let the juice soak through.

3. How can you believe me when I tell you that I love you when you know I've been a liar all my life. 		Greg (193)
726585 2008-12-08 08:14:00 Thanks for the laughter :) I definitely need it after having one of my WORST afternoons today. :@ :@ :@ Renmoo (66)
726586 2008-12-08 17:43:00 Bad song titles:

1. I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream.

2. Plant a watermelon on my grave and let the juice soak through.

3. How can you believe me when I tell you that I love you when you know I've been a liar all my life.

I actually have this album, somewhere:

Angel Rot - Unlistenable Hymns of Indulgent Damage. 		the_bogan (9949)
726587 2008-12-08 19:59:00 Here's another one, just for luck.........


Children writing about the ocean:

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Willy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her ass. (Julie, age 7)

14)- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15)- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)


Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
726588 2008-12-08 23:50:00 Thanks for the laughter :) I definitely need it after having one of my WORST afternoons today. :@ :@ :@

Do we get details?

Or must we hold our breath...

wondering? 		Laura (43)
726589 2008-12-09 01:39:00 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.'
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
' Doesn't matter,'she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel'.
The pharmacist fainted



Little boy runs into the kitchen and asks Grandma where Mum and Dad are.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Little boy giggles and leaves.
About lunch time the boy comes back and asks Grandma the same question.
Grandma replies they are still in bed. Boy giggles and leaves.
Dinner time arrives and back goes the boy with the same question and gets the same answer. He starts to giggle again and Grandma getting a bit pissed off by now asks him what is giggling about.
The little fellow replies Dad came into my room this morning asking for the Vaseline and I fooled him by giving him the super glue 		Morgenmuffel (187)
726590 2008-12-09 08:13:00 Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

1 1. Your tyre gauge lets half the air in your tyre when all you want is a pressure reading.

1 2. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

1 3. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

1 4. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a cheque.

1 5. The lift stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

1 6. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything. 		johcar (6283)
1 2