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Thread ID: 95695	2008-12-14 21:25:00	Monday Laughs...............Bit 'o this, bit 'o that.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
729060	2008-12-14 21:25:00	The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach!!! ******************************************* CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK A man suffered a serious heart attack when out on the street and was rushed to the nearest hospital where he underwent life-saving open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'Excellent, please send your account to my brother-in-law.' ****************************************** My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a Mood Ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my ups and downs. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his @#$+^! forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. ***************************************** A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, then things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be MEMORABLE! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Otago stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... 'Go get me a Speights, --then iron this.' **************************************** An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says. The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Weell mate, in Oorstraalia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to dreenk out of the same glass either," he says. The Kiwi, cool as, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Aussie and the South African. He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Noo Zeelund mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies we don't need to drink with the same ones twice. ****************************************** Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They pull in at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'but we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay, so he writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But Sir,' he says, this cheque is only made out for $50.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.' Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
729061	2008-12-14 22:15:00	An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says. The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Weell mate, in Oorstraalia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to dreenk out of the same glass either," he says. The Kiwi, cool as, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Aussie and the South African. He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Noo Zeelund mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussies we don't need to drink with the same ones twice. :lol: So true.	pcuser42 (130)
729062	2008-12-14 22:18:00	Ad in a shop window: "Refuse collector required in local factory. No experience required - you pick it up as you go along." Bumper sticker: "Honk if you love tennis. If you can't honk - make a racket." Sign on a pet shop: "Going out of business - lost our leash." Sign on a lawn mower repair shop: "We're after mower business." Gravedigger motto: "We'll be the last ones to let you down." Sign on a computer shop: "Back in five minutes - stepped out for a byte." Sign on the back of a newlywed's car who work for a computer company: "Recently interfaced." Sign on a liquor store: "Anyone caught lifting our spirits will be prosecuted." Expert typist: Let my fingers do your talking." Timberyard sign: "Planks to you, we're lumber one." Announcement in the paper for the birth of twin girls: "Sugar and spice and everything twice." Notice in a hearing clinic: "Hearing Tests - go to the end of the passage, turn right and wait until called." Sign on a music store door: "Gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet."	Roscoe (6288)
729063	2008-12-15 02:39:00	A midget walks into a bar trips over some sht left on the floor. Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment. He doesn’t make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sht. The midget smiles and says, “I just did that”. So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.	--Wolf-- (128)
729064	2008-12-15 21:55:00	Well, it's almost christmas, time to crank this out again. :D The Physics of Santa Claus 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop our of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh an move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 time the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, the conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.	wratterus (105)
729065	2008-12-15 23:26:00	All that assumes they take the AA recommended route. Santa pre-dates the AA and so goes a better way. More unlikely things have happened. People buy Vista.	R2x1 (4628)
729066	2008-12-16 00:04:00	Santa might have the same power that Hiro does on Heroes - the ability to stop time . . . In which case he could take his time delivering (and making!) the pressies, since he's immortal (well, he's certainly been around a while now - plenty of assumptions in wratterus's post, so only fair to make a few here), time would have no meaning for him . He might even live in an alternate universe where time passes at a different rate to Our Time, and visits our universe through some kind of trans-dimensional portal . . . . :lol: :lol: :lol:	johcar (6283)
729067	2008-12-16 00:34:00	1. When you are moving at a fast clip, time is a bit altered. This is the catch-up bit for time's speed when being told for the umpteenth time that "Your call is important to us". 2. What is Santa doing? Delivering presents - when everything happens in the present, time is about as meaningful as a Microsoft delivery schedule.	R2x1 (4628)
729068	2008-12-16 00:48:00	Santa might have the same power that Hiro does on Heroes - the ability to stop time . . . That's exactly what I thought! They walk amongst us . . . . :punk	wratterus (105)
729069	2008-12-16 10:25:00	A midget walks into a bar trips over some sht left on the floor. Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment. He doesn’t make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sht. The midget smiles and says, “I just did that”. So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out. :D:D:D Best one I heard for ages!	Agent_24 (57)
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