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Thread ID: 95695	2008-12-14 21:25:00	Monday Laughs...............Bit 'o this, bit 'o that.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
729070	2008-12-16 23:06:00	I just got this at work and have been chuckling away over it. Don't know how true they, but funny nevertheless! :clap The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. ------------------------------------------------------------- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. ------------------------------------------------------------- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. ------------------------------------------------------------- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ------------------------------------------------------------- Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock hich is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a ramatic decline. ------------------------------------------------------------- In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. ----------------------------------- -------------------------------- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." ------------------------------------------------------------- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ------------------------------------------------------------- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ------------------------ ------------------------------------- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking. ------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. ------------------------------------------------------------- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ------------------------------------------ Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. ------------------------------------------------------------- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ------------------------------------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he w as born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. ------------------------------------------------------------- On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ------------------------------------------------------------- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ------------------------------------------------------------- Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ------------------------------------------------------------- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ------------------------------------------------------------- Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ------------------------------------------------------------ Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------- Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. ------------------------------------------------------------- Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she id. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. ----------------------------- Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.	tingle (6539)
729071	2008-12-17 00:06:00	------------------------------------------------------------- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients . Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos . He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it . see now thats a book i could see myself reading - mount cyanide and commandos - a PERFECT combination :lol:	MAC_H8ER (5897)
729072	2008-12-17 06:27:00	Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. B ut, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. B ut, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way... Things are going to get ugly	R2x1 (4628)
729073	2008-12-17 06:31:00	Should have beheaded the witch.	Metla (12)
729074	2008-12-17 06:59:00	Never thought that "he who is without a sense of humour" would have posted on a humourous thread. I was of the understanding that his humour gland was removed at birth! :groan: What is the world coming too? Can we not trust anyone these days?:horrified If you are going to play the bastard - and credit where it's due, you do it so well - why are you posting on "Monday Laughs?":rolleyes:	Roscoe (6288)
729075	2008-12-17 07:07:00	Because he's a funny bastard of course!!! :banana	Erayd (23)
729076	2008-12-17 07:11:00	Because he's a funny bastard of course!!! :banana You obviously missed the point or perhaps you did not read my post properly.:groan:	Roscoe (6288)
729077	2008-12-17 07:23:00	Possibly. I read your post as sarcastic, but decided to reply to it literally anyway. If you weren't being sarcastic, then... Metla's always had a sense of humour, albeit not one that everyone likes. Besides, who could pass up the opportunity to use "funny bastard" and the banana emote in the same statement?	Erayd (23)
729078	2008-12-17 10:06:00	And on a Wednesday too. It is all explained here (en.wikipedia.org).	R2x1 (4628)
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