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Thread ID: 96085	2008-12-28 20:25:00	Monday Laughs...............The last rites for 2008	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
733124	2008-12-28 20:25:00	*Jazz musicians look to Federal Budget for bailout support* Washington, D . C . (CNN) In light of the recent downturn in the American economy, the nation's jazz musicians have joined the long line of lobby groups looking to Washington for support as the economy slides into a deepening recession . The jazz industry is asking Washington for a bailout package and major subsidies on par with those offered to the auto sector . In addition, Jazz musicians also want access to credit and tax breaks to stimulate investment and help the development of new recording and performance opportunities . This recession has really got me dragged, ya dig? says Luther 'Hip Bones' Jones III, a New York City saxophonist and a cornerstone of the little known Wall Street Avant-Garde jazz scene . Like, I mean, now that gigs aren't a-flowin like they used, I actually have to get up before noon and find a way to make some coin! Similarly, Jones' associate Willie 'Fat Cheeks' Hughes comments that with the economy in near chaos, the demand for his jazz bagpipe skills has waned considerably . Hughes also comments that with a sluggish economic situation, he will soon have to find another girlfriend or else face certain homelessness . While this crisis has been brewing for some time, a recent spike in the number of trombonists delivering pizzas in New York's Greenwich Village has recently brought this dire situation to public attention . Last week however, Jazz advocate Wynton Marsalis met with outgoing President George W . Bush and the retiring White House economic team to discuss the worsening situation for America's jazz artists and a possible stimulus package . Marsalis was quoted as saying: I think it's important for the government to understand that our musical recession has actually been worsening since the demise of New York's 52nd Street scene in the early 50s, and thanks to the racket these kids call Hip Hop . They really should have seen this coming . Once Miles went electric, it's all been down hill . Marsalis continued, "I think that a strong monetary stimulus package and a mandatory listening of Duke Ellington records should encourage a healthy economic recovery . " President Bush responded to these comments by replying that: "Mr . Margolis has a very good point here . The country will be in dire straights if we lose our jazzy beats . I mean, personally, I always enjoy a little Kenny G in the evening while I try to woo the First Lady . " Bush also commented that a global consensus on the state of the jazz economy will have to be reached . The way things stand, Americas jazz artists just can't compete with the lower paid jazz artists currently flooding the market from China . President-elect Barac Obama could not be reached for comment, but an unofficial spokesman, commenting off-the-record said that he expected that Mr Obama would doubtlessly include the jazz fraternity in his future plans in one form or another . He added that he expected that Airforce One would be getting new soundtracks in the near future so the brothers should lobby their Congressmen to have only US Jazz work included, and none of that imported asian stuff, Kenny G rubbish, or depressing "my woman's up and left me" music because they wanted the Number One Brother to keep his headspace clean . In related news: America's Blues musicians report an increase in depressing lyrics . This is a sad reflection of the times, claims one downtrodden guitarist . **************************************** The Work and Income Office, Otara, Auckland . (WINZ) A long-haired kiwi walked into the local WINZ office to pick up his dole cheque . He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi . You know, I just HATE drawing the dole . I'd really rather have a job . ' The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, 'Your timing is impeccable Sir . We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter . You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and since you will have to be appropriately dressed on all occasions, he will also supply all of your clothing . Because of the long hours, all meals will be provided, and you'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips . A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located within the main residence and with both internal and external access will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year . ' Finally, and this is rather awkward and embarrassing to say, you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her natural urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong libido . The kiwi, wide-eyed and plainly gob-smacked, said, 'You're bull****tin me!' The WINZ worker replied, 'Yeah, well . . you started it . ' **************************************** RETIREMENT BONUS The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus . They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts in his body . The officer got to choose what those two parts would be . The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes . He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000 . The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes . He walked out with $96,000 . The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzled old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my prick to my testicles . ' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received . But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer . The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did . The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back . 'Omigosh' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam' . **************************************** A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs the drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it?? The poor little guy starts crying . "Come on, man . I was just giving you a hard time I didn't think you'd CRY . I can't stand to see a man crying . " said the biker . "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs . "I can't do anything right . I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me . When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance . I left my wallet in the cab I took home, and when I got there I found my wife in bed with the gardener, then my dog bit me . So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the f#@!*&! poison . " All the best for 2009 to one and all, may your hard drive not soften, your floppies be always on standby, and your miscellaneous bits stay in the approved order and format . Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
733125	2008-12-28 22:44:00	SAN DIEGO—A smallish man who had used several different bent sticks to hit a ball to an area comprised of very short grass surrounding a hole in the ground was praised for his courage Monday after he used a somewhat smaller stick to gently roll the ball into the aforementioned hole in fewer attempts than his competitors . "What guts, what confidence," ESPN commentator Scott Van Pelt said of the man, who was evidently unable to carry his sticks himself, employing someone else to hold the sticks and manipulate the flag sticking out of the hole in the ground while he rolled the ball into it . "You have to be so brave, so self-assured, so strong mentally to [roll a ball into a hole in the ground] . Amazing . " Tiger Woods had apparently hurt his knee during this activity . :blush:	SurferJoe46 (51)
733126	2008-12-29 00:01:00	A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. 'You'll be fine,' he said. She asked, 'How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?' The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. 'What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?' He replied, 'Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.	KenESmith (6287)
733127	2008-12-29 06:35:00	Bit late.. but thats ok Santa Claus is coming to town - Geeks Version better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus < north pole >town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus < north pole >town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good }	Dannz (1668)
733128	2008-12-30 05:34:00	I know its a bit late for Christmas, but here goes I'm dreaming of a spam free Christmas with every e-card that I send may your computers all hum nicely and your floppies never bend. I hope that they're all up to date and they are virus free and there's a stick of RAM for you under the Christmas tree. May all through the day as you click away your mouse will never get caught and when you type in MS Word or in your e-mail program your letters will always come out right and not all uʍop ǝpısdn. Have a good one! Happy and unfinancially challenged new year to you all! LL	lakewoodlady (103)
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