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Thread ID: 95925 2008-12-21 22:07:00 Monday Laughs..........Christmas Fare....and a couple for the alternative religions Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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731544 2008-12-21 22:07:00 Little Known Christmas Fact:

Long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip to deliver toys to all the good little children in the world...but everywhere he turned he was beset by problems .

Four of his best production elves were sick, and the trainees could not produce the toys as fast as the experienced team so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure as production dropped further and further behind schedule.

Just as he got the production up again, Mrs Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness his reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where, and Rudolf's red nose had gone out completely. More stress.

Next, when he began to load his sleigh, one of the boards in the tray cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys everywhere and damaging their wrappings. So, very frustrated indeed, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a large shot of whiskey to settle his nerves. However, when he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor so he couldn't drink and fly, so there was nothing there. He got so agitated that he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. Then when he went to get the broom, he found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Things were going from bad to worse!

Just then the doorbell rang, so Santa stomped his way to the door to see who was there. He opened the door and right on his doorstep was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

***********************************************


A man in Scotland calls his son in America the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing; sixty years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

***********************************************


A Letter to God.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process any envelope that had an illegible address. One day a letter came addressed to God in very shaky handwriting but with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The Letter read:-

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $200 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I have already invited my two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna


The postal worker was very touched by Edna's plight and her plea to God so he showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $195, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:-


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $5 missing. I think it was probably those thieving so and so's at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

***********************************************


Frank went a-hunting.......

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake, that was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it was several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,

'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you.'

***********************************************


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'


Merry Christmas everybody, and best wishes from myself and Mrs T for a great New Year.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs: 		Billy T (70)
731545 2008-12-21 22:19:00 Frank went a-hunting.......

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake, that was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.'

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it was several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,

'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you.'

***********************************************


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'


Merry Christmas everybody, and best wishes from myself and Mrs T for a great New Year.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:
:lol: 		qazwsxokmijn (102)
731546 2008-12-21 22:21:00 Thanks Billy! somebody (208)
731547 2008-12-21 22:45:00 Ta Billy, Your Monday jokes start the week off so well. :thanks

I hope you and Mrs T have a great Christmas as well.

Ken 		kenj (9738)
731548 2008-12-21 22:47:00 :lol:

x2, I've been annoying everyone in the office laughing at that 2nd one. :D 		wratterus (105)
731549 2008-12-21 23:23:00 The aircraft is old, underpowered and may have questionable navigation equipment, but the New Zealand Civil Aviation Authority has issued a special operating permit for a nationwide flight by Santa Claus. It’s a one night authority for travel on the night of December 24th – 25th operating to “various rooftops.” The department says, “The applicant anticipates using a miniature sleigh to be powered by eight tiny reindeer, with the exception of a possible ninth reindeer with a special air navigation warning light in his nose, in the event of inclement weather.” Santa’s equipment is of a very early vintage, it notes, but his safety record is “as seamless and spotless as his long white beard.”
Christchurch Airport, which is the main controlling airport for national commercial aircraft in New Zealand, has granted clearance for unlimited flight operations by the oldest known air travel vehicle.
St. Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus, has received approval to fly-at-will, without having to file flight plans, which are normally mandated, allowing Santa automatic landing rights in most areas of New Zealand. He will, of course, be exempt from all taxes and fees.
Mr. Claus described the vehicle as a ''fire engine-red sleigh angled to provide the necessary lift for the expected heavy cargo.'' He said the sleigh is also equipped with twin runners which have ''remarkable aerodynamic qualities.''
He said the sleigh was approved late Saturday by a ''special on-site inspection team at the North Pole. Inspectors found the sleigh to be in perfect working order -- despite being approximately sixteen centuries old.''
Technological advancements have ''enabled the sleigh to be equipped with state-of-the-art equipment, including an Enhanced Ground Proximity Warning System, a Traffic Alert and Collision Avoidance System (TCAS) transponder, and a Global Positioning System (GPS).''
The GPS receiver will allow Mr. Claus to pinpoint his exact location within one metre and will ensure that Santa won't accidentally go to a house of a child that North Pole produced lists have indicated was naughty during the past year.
Ground maintenance and baggage, consisting of an unusually large payload of items, described as being mainly toys, will be handled by many short people which Mr. Claus refers to as elves.
Engine thrust for the sleigh will be provided by eight reindeer, and led by a ninth, called Rudolph, a red-nosed reindeer.
Rudolph's red nose serves as a beacon that is visible in bad weather, including heavy snow and fog.
Rudolph also has some kind of sensory perception in his nose that allows him to detect severe weather, allowing Santa to avoid potentially dangerous conditions. 		Roscoe (6288)
731550 2008-12-21 23:29:00 Billy, thanks for all the laughs throughout the year.
May your health and jokes be the best in 2009.
Happy Christmas to you and your family.

A Christmas Gift

A guy's wife was nagging him hard for a four-wheeler but still he bought her a beautiful extravagant diamond ring for Christmas. The husband's friend was amazed at his decision and asked him in secret, "Why couldn't you buy a car instead of the diamond ring?" The husband smiled and answered, "Fake cars are not easy to find."


Christmas Signs

Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."
A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... A calendar to remind him when payments are due." 		Marnie (4574)
731551 2008-12-22 07:51:00 Friends beware, this could happen to you!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Placemakers customers. This one caught me by surprise.

(I understand that this happens at Bunnings, too, so don't desert Placemakers just yet.)

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. The Warehouse has wallets on sale for $2.99 each 		johcar (6283)
731552 2008-12-22 08:01:00 Thanks Billy and everyone else for the Monday jokes highlight of my day coming home from work to read them. Hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year gary67 (56)
731553 2008-12-22 20:38:00 Thanks Billy, and all the jokesters out there. Your weekly efforts have set a very high and enjoyable standard, and a great way to get Mondays under way.:thanks And a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everybody. Richard (739)
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