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Thread ID: 96271	2009-01-04 20:58:00	Monday Laughs...............Welcome to 2009 Let's start with some more lists...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
735046	2009-01-04 20:58:00	Signs we'd like to have thought of: Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr . Jones, at your cervix . ' -------------------------------- In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels . ' -------------------------------- On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels -------------------------------- At a Proctologist's door: 'To expedite your visit, please reverse in . ' -------------------------------- On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed . ' -------------------------------- On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip . Call your plumber . ' -------------------------------- On a Church's Bill board: 'Seven days without God makes one weak . ' -------------------------------- At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 'Invite us to your next blowout . ' -------------------------------- At a Towing company: 'We don't charge an arm and a leg . We want tows . ' -------------------------------- On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts . ' -------------------------------- In a Nonsmoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action . ' -------------------------------- On a Maternity Room door: 'Push . Push . Push . ' -------------------------------- At an Optometrist's Office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place . ' -------------------------------- On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff . ' -------------------------------- On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!' -------------------------------- At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment . ' -------------------------------- Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary . We hear you coming . ' -------------------------------- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes . Sit! Stay!' -------------------------------- At the Electric Company 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment . However, if you don't, you will be . ' -------------------------------- In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up . ' -------------------------------- In the front yard of a Funeral Home : 'Drive carefully . We'll wait . ' -------------------------------- At a Propane Filling Station: 'Thank heaven for little grills . ' -------------------------------- And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: 'Best place in town to take a leak . ' -------------------------------- Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises' ****************************************** Medical mayhem A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear . Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs . I was in the wrong one . -------------------------------- At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall . "Big breaths," I instructed . "Yes, they used to be," the patient remorsefully replied . -------------------------------- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news, when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction . Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart . " -------------------------------- I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test . I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand . " He read the 20/20 line perfectly . "Now your left . " Again, a flawless read . "Now both," I requested . There was silence . He couldn't even read the large E on the top line . I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered . I was laughing too hard to finish the exam . -------------------------------- During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, that he was having trouble with one of his medications . "Which one?" I asked . "The patch . The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include the removal of the old patch, before applying a new one . -------------------------------- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . "Why? Not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive . " -------------------------------- I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly . I just can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied . I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly . " -------------------------------- A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery . When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass . " Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :Thumbs:	Billy T (70)
735047	2009-01-04 22:55:00	Haha, brilliant stuff :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
735048	2009-01-04 23:05:00	Sign on a bank: Let us lend you a helping grand. Sign on a service station at christmas: Seasons Greasings. Sign on a cabinet makers van: Counter Fitters. Sign on a plumber's van: Drain Surgeons. Sign on a fabric shop: Prints Charming. Ad on a pet shop: Buy one get one flea. Ad for an expert typist: Let my fingers do your talking.	Roscoe (6288)
735049	2009-01-05 00:07:00	QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? ________________________________________ Can you cry under water? ________________________________________ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ________________________________________ Why do you have to 'put your two cents in' . . . but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going? ________________________________________ Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? ________________________________________ Why does a round pizza come in a square box? ________________________________________ What disease did cured ham actually have? ________________________________________ How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? ________________________________________ Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? ________________________________________ If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? _______________________________________ Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? ________________________________________ Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ________________________________________ Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway . ________________________________________ Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? ________________________________________ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ________________________________________ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? ______________________________________ If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ________________________________________ Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! _______________________________________ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ________________________________________ If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? _____________________________________ Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? ________________________________________ Why did you just try singing the two songs above? ________________________________________ Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? ________________________________________ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?	smithie 38 (6684)
735050	2009-01-05 00:17:00	A sign I actually saw on the back of a scaffolding van in London, many years ago: "Your satisfaction with every erection"	johcar (6283)
735051	2009-01-05 00:43:00	1 . The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . He acquired his size from too much pi . 2 . I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3 . She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still . 4 . A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption . 5 . The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work . 6 . No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery . 7 . A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering . 8 . A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart . 9 . Two silk worms had a race . They ended up in a tie . 10 . Time flies like an arrow . Fruit flies like a banana . 11 . A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall . The police are looking into it . 12 . Atheism is a non-prophet organization . 13 . Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway . One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head . ' 14 . I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger . Then it hit me . 15 . A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass . ' 16 . A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital . When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet . ' 17 . A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion . 19 . The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large . 20 . The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran . 21 . A backward poet writes inverse . 22 . In democracy it's your vote that counts . In feudalism it's your count that votes . 23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion . 24 . Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!	Marnie (4574)
735052	2009-01-05 01:48:00	My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I didn't finish."	Cicero (40)
735053	2009-01-05 02:00:00	Haha, I like that one! Must remember that next time the fiance asks me what Im doing ... ;) But thats something Ive always wanted to know, why DOES a round pizza come in a square box? Easier to lift out?	Chilling_Silence (9)
735054	2009-01-05 02:02:00	How would you hold the sides up in a round box?	wratterus (105)
735055	2009-01-05 03:23:00	Haha, I like that one! Must remember that next time the fiance asks me what Im doing ... ;) But thats something Ive always wanted to know, why DOES a round pizza come in a square box? Easier to lift out? Easier to stack/store actually, in the factory, on trucks and when its stored at the pizza shop.	beeswax34 (63)
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