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Thread ID: 145946	2018-03-11 17:44:00	Monday Laughs Mar 12th	Digby (677)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1447250	2018-03-11 17:44:00	Here's a few more "What They Really Mean" Supports a wide range of Devices - but not yours Advanced Design - The Advertising Agency doesn't understand it Latest Aerospace Technology - One of our techs was laid off from Boeing	Digby (677)
1447251	2018-03-11 20:04:00	TWO PRIESTS ON VACATION They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk awaOne of the priests couldn't stand it any Longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?''We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'	Marnie (4574)
1447252	2018-03-11 20:10:00	MAN SHED sorry, it's a bit long. We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Man Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.. The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting the next week we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel. Here are their experiences …. Bill Carruthers, 74 We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------- Nick Enwright, 86 She stood before me, trembling in my shed “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her down to The Royal Oak ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------- Ted Roberts, 79 She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other Wellie. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------- Tom Entwhistle, 73 Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Jack Farthing, 78 “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.” ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------- John Hardcastle, 72 “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------- Colin Horrocks, 65 “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?” ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Malcolm Riddock, 75 I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------- Allen Cardly, 74 “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Humphrey Landsdowne, 56 Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat a*** and no dress sense.” ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Nicholas Benchley, 53 “Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------- Toby Williams, 60 “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.	Marnie (4574)
1447253	2018-03-12 03:31:00	Pretty good day so far :thumbs:....:thanks....:thumbs:	R2x1 (4628)
1447254	2018-03-12 04:07:00	FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!	B.M. (505)
1447255	2018-03-12 06:44:00	An aged lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water . As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today . . ' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink . In fact, this one is on me . ' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too . ' The old woman says, 'Thank you . Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water . ' 'Coming up,' says the bartender . As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too . ' The old woman says, 'Thank you . Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water . ' ' Coming right up,' the bartender says . As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity . Why the Scotch with only two drops of water ?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor . Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue" .	SurferJoe46 (51)
1447256	2018-03-12 23:03:00	Heaviest element known to science! Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science. AND yes .. it was discovered in Australia, which is now the leading producer. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.	smithie 38 (6684)
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