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Thread ID: 96669	2009-01-18 21:53:00	Monday Laughs...............More Seniors	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
740125	2009-01-18 21:53:00	For those us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for the rest, for you will become seniors, it pays to be able to laugh about it when you are! And, speaking of senior moments: "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know why her Sunday edition had not been delivered . Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday . The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY" . There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a flash of realisation as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh!t . . . So that's why no one was at church today" . ******************************************* Nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of us, it's too late! My grandmother died in the 1950s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce . The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk . . . Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13 . We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soft drink bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day . She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family . 'And always remember this thing,' she said . 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands . ' 'How come, Grandma?' I asked her . She answered in her soft Scottish voice . 'Makes your dick look bigger . ' Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? ******************************************* Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, an elderly man and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table . "Young man" the husband said, "we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes . " ******************************************* An elderly Irishman lay dying, semi-concious on his bed . Suffering the agonies of impending death, as he drifted between this world and the next he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs . Tormented by the vision of a heaven filled with such delights, he gathered his remaining strength, and gradually lifted himself from the bed . Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs . With laboured breath and his body on fire in protest, he reached foot of the stairs and the kitchen door . Dragging himself to his knees, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen and were it not for death's unremitting agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, because there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones . Was it heaven? Or was it one final heroic act of compassion from his devoted wife of sixty years, her love for him driving her through her grief carry out this simple yet heartfelt act of devotion that might in some small way help him to leave this world a happy man? Mustering all of his rapidly ebbing strength for one final great effort, he rose to his feet and, in a paroxysm of pain, threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees once more in a crumpled and tragic, yet almost comic posture of supplication . His aged and withered hand trembled as it crept slowly and hesitantly up toward the the edge of the table and the nearest scone, his mouth slowly opened, lips parched and cracked . He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, the anticipation sending shudders through his failing body, seemingly bringing him back to life to enjoy one last quasi-orgasmic experience . Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a wooden spoon descended, striking his hand with such force that he recoiled in a depth of agony that momentarily transcended even the thrust of death's bitter sword, and he slumped to the floor in defeat . Scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Sod off!" She said, "They're bein' for your funeral!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
740126	2009-01-18 22:06:00	It takes two people to put out the rubbish bag on rubbish collection day - SWMBO can't lift it and I can't remember it. It's inflation when you have to pay $15 for the $5 haircut you used to get for $1 when you had hair. One good thing about middle age spread is that it brings people closer together.	Roscoe (6288)
740127	2009-01-19 00:20:00	'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . . You are cautioned to slow down by . . . The doctor instead of by the police . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . 'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fibre today . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . . 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot . 'OLD' IS WHEN . . . . . An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee	smithie 38 (6684)
740128	2009-01-19 05:20:00	Here's an oldie but a goodie, a senior joke about juniors: The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family . On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr . Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now . The man should be here soon . ' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale . 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to . . . ' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs . Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you . ' 'Have you really?' said the photographer . 'Well, that's good . Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped . Please come in and have a seat' . After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me . I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed . And sometimes the living room floor is fun . You can really spread out there . ' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time . But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results . ' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs . Smith . 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time . I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that . ' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs . Smith quietly . The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures . 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said . 'Oh, my God!' Mrs . Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat . 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with . ' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs . Smith . 'Yes, I'm afraid so . I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right . People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs . Smith, her eyes wide with amazement . 'Yes', the photographer replied . 'And for more than three hours, too . The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots . Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in . ' Mrs . Smith leaned forward . 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh . . . equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes . . Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away . ' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am . I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on, it's much too big to be held in the hand very long . ' Mrs . Smith fainted . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
740129	2009-01-19 05:33:00	That joke gets me every time:p:lol:	Blam (54)
740130	2009-01-19 09:39:00	Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’ 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. ‘Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’ ‘I don’t have any’ she replied, smiling sweetly. ‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’ ‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied. ‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’ The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ‘I outlived the bitches.’	johcar (6283)
740131	2009-01-19 20:07:00	Got a letter from Grandma the other day... She writes... Dear Grandson, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is.....and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma	Ofthesea (14129)
740132	2009-01-19 21:08:00	An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' 'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ' 'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'	Cicero (40)
740133	2009-01-19 21:15:00	An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra The chemist says 'First I must warn you of the side effects' 'You must be carefull to ensure you swallow the tablet very quickly' ... 'Otherwise you can end up with a terribly stiff neck !!!'	Ofthesea (14129)
740134	2009-01-20 02:12:00	One of my all-time favourites: An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" :D :D :D	FoxyMX (5)
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