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Thread ID: 96842	2009-01-26 01:12:00	Monday Laughs...............The ways of Others	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
742011	2009-01-26 01:12:00	Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide... Let's see now... No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No Nude Women No car races No Rugby No League No soccer No golf No tailgate parties No Warehouse No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No crayfish No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks No nachos No Potato chips No Beer !!!!!!!! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here? Cheers Billy 8-{) AK Anniversary Day today so I'm on holiday......at least that is the theory, Mrs T has me in the Workhouse. Mmmm........Would a donkey be OK if I didn't get an ugly one?	Billy T (70)
742012	2009-01-26 01:19:00	No Jesus No Christmas No Rugby No League No soccer No golf No tailgate parties No Warehouse No crayfish No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks More than one wife. That all sounds pretty good to me.	Thebananamonkey (7741)
742013	2009-01-26 01:41:00	Wilson's Nails Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.	pctek (84)
742014	2009-01-26 03:19:00	Siamese twins walk into a pub in Perth and park themselves on a bar stool . One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip . I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please" The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers . "Been on holiday yet, boys?" "Off to America next month," says Joe . "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees . "Ah, America , "says the barman . " Wonderful country . . . the history, the beer, the culture . . . " "Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe . "Meat Pies & XXXX beer," that's us, eh Jim? "We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical . . . " "So why keep going to America ?" asks the barman . Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive . "	nofam (9009)
742015	2009-01-26 03:25:00	That's great pctek!! :D	Erayd (23)
742016	2009-01-26 04:21:00	Wee Scottish tale . . . . A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn . A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!' The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm from England . . Could you repeat that in English for me . ' The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!! :D	smithie 38 (6684)
742017	2009-01-26 04:52:00	One of many I recieved today: MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again (although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw).	wainuitech (129)
742018	2009-01-26 04:54:00	Sorry for the length - guess who sent these ;) MEN!!! My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust!' And then the fight started... ================================================== ======= My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ================================================== ======= When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.... And then the fight started... . ================================================== ======= After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for the aged pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'don't bother. Just unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ================================================== ===== My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ================================================== ===== I rear-ended a car the other day. We pulled over and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, …. which one are you?' And then the fight started... ================================================== ====== When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' And then the fight started... The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ================================================== ===== Moral to these stories : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.	wainuitech (129)
742019	2009-01-26 07:09:00	Notice in an Aussie smoko room: Some of you have been calling our Muslim brothers "towel heads". This offends them because they say their headwear is not a towel, but a little sheet. Henceforth, please refrain from using "towel heads" and instead call them "little sheet heads".	TideMan (4279)
742020	2009-01-26 07:25:00	Notice in an Aussie smoko room: Some of you have been calling our Muslim brothers "towel heads". This offends them because they say their headwear is not a towel, but a little sheet. Henceforth, please refrain from using "towel heads" and instead call them "little sheet heads". LMFAO!!:p Best one I've heard in ages;)	Blam (54)
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