Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 96969	2009-01-30 09:32:00	Monday Laughs...............Friday Edition	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
743354	2009-01-30 09:32:00	I'm taking Mrs T away for a few days for some R 'n Ahhhh.......... so Monday is up to you. Here's a few to get you started: Want to know how the rich man's mind works? A man walks into a Bank in New York City and asks to speak with a loans officer. He tells the officer that he is going to the UK on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $15,000. The bank officer tells him that the Bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out so the officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee of the Bank then drives the Ferrari into the Bank's underground garage and parks it there, and later the bank's President and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $375,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $15,000 loan. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $15,000 and the interest, which comes to $45.75. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little bemused. Before we granted this loan, as you would expect we checked with one of your credit referees and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $15,000?" The man replies: "Where else in New York City can I have my car valet-parked in secure storage for two weeks for only $45.75, expect it to be there when I return, and not have to pay extortionist tips for parking or retrieval?" That's how! **************************************** Jane and Arlene, a couple of older women, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any Chemist shop. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local Chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' **************************************** Men's Pearls of Wisdom 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', .......unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it is lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the wise old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
743355	2009-01-30 09:41:00	****en oats that was the best funnies you've posted Billy.	roddy_boy (4115)
743356	2009-01-30 10:36:00	made me giggle again billy, have fun with the mrs	hueybot3000 (3646)
743357	2009-01-30 19:22:00	cheers for the laughs Billy :clap	ronyville (10611)
743358	2009-01-30 19:50:00	One hopes B remembers what to do . Some of you won't have seen this one, Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music . The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size . This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them . ******************************************** The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex . At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack . The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all . That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door . 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down . 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy . Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . ' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist . '	Cicero (40)
743359	2009-01-31 01:06:00	TOP 13 MOST USED LIES 1 3. The cheque is in the mail. 1 2. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. Don't worry, were not lost -- I KNOW where I'm going. 6. In this car, I can always go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO	johcar (6283)
743360	2009-01-31 08:38:00	Other Numbers of the Beast 660 -- Approximate number of The Beast DCLXVI -- Roman numeral of The Beast 666.000000 -- Number of the High Precision Beast 0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast / 666 -- Beast Common Denominator 0.005015 -- Reciprical of the Beast 666i -- Imaginary number of The Beast 1010011010 -- Binary number of The Beast 443556 -- Square of the Beast 2.8235 -- Log of the Beast 6.5913 -- Ln Beast 1.738E289 -- Anti-log of the Beast 6.66E2 -- Scientific number of the Beast 29A -- Hexadecimal number of the Beast 666! -- Factorial of the Beast 1-666 -- Area code of The Beast Mailto://666@hell.org -- E-mail address of the Beast http://www.666.org.html -- web-page of the Beast Phillips 666 -- Gasoline of The Beast 666 mg -- Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast Lotus 6-6-6 -- Spreadsheet of The Beast 665.99999973 -- Intel Pentium number of the Beast Windows 666 -- Bill Gates' personal Beast	johcar (6283)
743361	2009-01-31 09:26:00	(1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." (2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ( 3 ) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill." (4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher , she's dead." (5) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."	Cicero (40)
1