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Thread ID: 97444	2009-02-16 02:57:00	Monday Laughs...............Grandparents	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
748322	2009-02-16 02:57:00	Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old Coot... The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.' ************************************** The Difference between Grandfathers and Grandmothers A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy sh*thead anywhere we went today!" Brings a tear to your eye, don't it? ************************************** One day a General and a Private were riding in a train. The Private was sitting in an aisle seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station, when he looks up and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen walk into the carriage. She's coming closer, and closer, finally she takes the seat directly across the aisle. He gives her one of those cool smooth looks and gets a shy smile in return, then he looks down the aisle again and sees... her Grandma - who is about 200 pounds and older than dirt - coming over. Now Grandma has seen the looks between the Private to her granddaughter, so she gives the girl a little shove and she has to move over to the window seat. The Private is more than a little disappointed because his view has just gone from drop-dead gorgeous to fat, old and ugly. About an hour into the ride the train goes into a tunnel. It's pitch black in the train, then you hear this smoooooch, then SMACK. The beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!" The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the nerve of that young man, really, kissing my grand-daughter! I am sooo glad she slapped him!" The General is thinking, "I am so proud of my Private, he saw an opportunity, and he seized it. I just wish her grandma could have hit him instead of me!" The young Private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest guy in the world; I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen and I got to whack a General without getting Court Martialed for it." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
748323	2009-02-16 04:43:00	(DISCLAIMER: Not about grandparents) Smart Kid A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer; Harry: Shake hands Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay? Harry: Yep. Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself." ***** La plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose (en.wiktionary.org se)	johcar (6283)
748324	2009-02-16 22:15:00	Number One Idiot of 2008. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.. Number Two Idiot of 2008. Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.. They are no longer employed at Boeing.. Number Three Idiot of 2008. A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland .. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland .. Number Four Idiot of 2008. A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.. Number Five Idiot of 2008 A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.. Number Six Idiot of 2008. Perth WA .. Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass.. The whole event was caught on videotape.. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger.. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. Happened in Surfers Paradise!!! IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Melbourne. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.' This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.	Cicero (40)
748325	2009-02-17 01:32:00	Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed . A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie . ' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000 . The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money . Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside . Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed . A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store . There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor . . . . . . . . The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene . Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well . However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police . Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store . Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested . The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . . . (You're going to hate me for this . . . ) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1 . 00 AT WOOLWORTHS!!'	nofam (9009)
748326	2009-02-17 20:51:00	Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo . . . They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection . The gay men are fascinated by this . One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it . The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by . . . . When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage . An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital . A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?' 'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called . . . . he hasn't written . . . . ' .	Cicero (40)
748327	2009-02-17 21:13:00	:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:	kenj (9738)
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