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Thread ID: 97656 2009-02-23 02:56:00 Monday Laughs...............More Lists Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
750516 2009-02-23 02:56:00 A little late today folks, on account of Billy the Builder putting a nail through a copper waterpipe, then Billy the Plumber made a pig's-bum of hose-clipping a patch over the hole, successfully flooding (an ohnosecond later) my downstairs office desk and associated papers unfortunately located immediately below said leak, which drained through a light fitting. Water was only on again for only two minutes too! :o


Bumper Stickers We'd LOVE To See

1-Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

2-The proctologist called...they found your head.

3-Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

4-Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

5-Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

6-I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

7-WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

8-Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

9-Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

10-Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

11-Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

12-If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

13-Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

14-Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

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Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING :
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and everyone, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the Boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY :
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM :
An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING :
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. CROP DUSTING :
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

8. XEROX SUBSIDY :
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

9. ADMINISPHERE :
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

10. OHNOSECOND :
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a VERY BIG mistake. (Like after hitting Yes instead of No or Cancel, or sending a personal or intimate email to multiple recipients by mistake).

11. STRESS PUPPY :
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

1 2. SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

1 3. WOOFS :
Well-Off Older Folks.

1 4. SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from excessive use.

1 5. IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

1 6. He/She's a 404 :
Someone who's utterly clueless. From the Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

1 7. GENERICA :
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

1 8. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE :
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer----

1 9. MOUSE POTATO :
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

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15 best police comments

The following 15 police comments were supposedly taken off actual police car videos around the US.

#1 5. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#1 4. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#1 3. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#1 2. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

# 11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

# 10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

# 9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

# 8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

# 7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

# 6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

# 5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

# 4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

# 3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

# 2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? Well, you're right, we don't."

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The debt we owe to Mothers

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you clear into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

1 2. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

1 3. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

1 4. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

1 5. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

1 6. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

1 7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

1 8. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

1 9. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

2 2. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

2 3. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

2 4. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

2 5. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Yeah, I know some are repeats, but they are worth recycling.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

It's stopped raining in my office now. :) 		Billy T (70)
750517 2009-02-23 03:31:00 AGEING DISGRACEFULLY

1. Growing old is unavoidable, growing up is optional.
2. Always go to your friends' funerals - otherwise they won't come to yours.
3. A woman: "I'm forty-five." Pause. "Okay, I'm forty-five plus GST."
4. Your life is slowing down when there are only a few commandments left that you are capable of breaking.
5. Many a man continues to think that he is as good as he never was.
6. You know you are getting old when you tell people you have a backache but they don't make coarse remarks about it any more.
7. The best thing about attaining 100 years old would be that there is little peer pressure.
8. All the world's a stage and even at 80 years old some people are desperately unrehearsed.
9. Grandfather was heard to say, "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left."
10. This computer is like my father - old, slow and not much memory. 		Roscoe (6288)
750518 2009-02-26 20:15:00 The Hungry Lion

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 		johcar (6283)
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