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Thread ID: 97845	2009-03-01 20:46:00	Monday Laughs...............A mixed bag	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
752552	2009-03-01 20:46:00	While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crew member gave the G.Is on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.' An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'did I hear her right? Is our Captain a woman?' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you mam? Is the Captain a woman?' 'Yes!' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'Oh, that's another thing Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'we no longer call it the Cockpit' 'It's now the Box Office.' ***************************** A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a motor mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill, and when the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder ifthere is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career." ***************************** Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary...... 8:00 am - Dog biscuits! My favourite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing! 6:00 pm - Oooh, Bath. Bummer. 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary.... Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................ ***************************** Peter invited his mother for dinner, and during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat-mate Joanne was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she began to think there really was more between Peter and his flat-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just flat-mates'. About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it, do you? 'Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Peter, so he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the frying pan from my house. I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the frying pan - but the fact remains that it's been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Peter Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne - but the fact remains that if Joanne was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the frying pan by now. Love Mum Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
752553	2009-03-01 21:02:00	Recycling is the way to a clean green earth. Cheers Billy. :D	wratterus (105)
752554	2009-03-01 21:15:00	"All jokes typed using recycled electrons. No electrons were harmed in the writing of this thread."	johcar (6283)
752555	2009-03-01 23:31:00	Haha love the last one :banana	trinsic (6945)
752556	2009-03-02 03:31:00	# Cats rule. Dogs drool. # Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're horny. # Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg. # In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks. # Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them. # Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out. # Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. # Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen. # No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat." # Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'. # Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch. # Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car. # Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"	pctek (84)
752557	2009-03-02 03:38:00	Cats Rule. Enough said. :D	Agent_24 (57)
752558	2009-03-02 06:29:00	Cats are much easier to bone out and cook, not forgetting the meat is low in fat. The skins make good gloves too. :D	R2x1 (4628)
752559	2009-03-02 06:30:00	Cats are much easier to bone out and cook, not forgetting the meat is low in fat. The skins make good gloves too. :D But for those of us with large ...um.... thingys, Dogs are much easier.	the_bogan (9949)
752560	2009-03-02 07:03:00	# In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks. I highly doubt that.	pine-o-cleen (2955)
752561	2009-03-02 07:35:00	I highly doubt that. Sounds good though!!! :D	johcar (6283)
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