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Thread ID: 98031	2009-03-08 20:02:00	Monday Laughs...............International Humour Week	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
754790	2009-03-12 22:07:00	Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie: "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!" "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution." "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room." "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecahedron!" "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?" "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches." "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue." "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!" "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration." "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?" "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge." "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... ....Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"	johcar (6283)
754791	2009-03-13 02:52:00	nice. :)	sammo450 (13626)
754792	2009-03-13 18:31:00	These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.	Cicero (40)
754793	2009-03-13 18:37:00	It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild . Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets . When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like . Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared . But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea . He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold ?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded . So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared A week later, he called the National Weather Service again . 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter . ' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find . Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again . 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied . 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen . ' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked . The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy . ' Always remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!	Cicero (40)
754794	2009-03-19 18:49:00	fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can . i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg . The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rgh it pclae . The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm . Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe . Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! .	Cicero (40)
754795	2009-03-19 19:06:00	Interestingly Cicero, that made more sense than many of your posts! :D :D :D	johcar (6283)
754796	2009-03-19 19:18:00	Interestingly Cicero, that made more sense than many of your posts! :D :D :DThe word inane comes to mind,but I will refrain from criticising.	Cicero (40)
754797	2009-03-21 18:37:00	The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.	Cicero (40)
754798	2009-03-21 21:50:00	Cicero, 55% of people can read that? I thought everyone could because the brain only reads the first and last letter of words, and as long as all the other letters are in there, no matter what order, you can read it. I read it fine and I know when it was shown to us a few years ago at school, I think everyone could read it.	--Wolf-- (128)
754799	2009-03-21 22:11:00	Cicero, 55% of people can read that? I thought everyone could because the brain only reads the first and last letter of words, and as long as all the other letters are in there, no matter what order, you can read it. I read it fine and I know when it was shown to us a few years ago at school, I think everyone could read it. Sorry pal,that is not my quote and wouldn't have a clue either way,but you will agre the subject is both surprising and amusing.	Cicero (40)
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