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Thread ID: 98031	2009-03-08 20:02:00	Monday Laughs...............International Humour Week	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
754780	2009-03-08 20:02:00	One morning in Dublin a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'dat's de power o' faith my son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Be telling me then, where is this blessed man? 'Sure an he's flat on his arse Father, over dere by the holy water.' *************************************** An Indian Mystery is revealed:- Finally, someone has cleared this up for me. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won :- A -a taxi licence in Adelaide , B -a convenience store in Melbourne, C- a service station in Perth , D- a kebab shop in Brisbane or E- a take away cafe in Sydney If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia. In New Zealand, the same thing happens but you win a Dairy or become a technical manager for Vodafone. *************************************** Israeli Sense of Humour at UN A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my speech, I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought to himself, 'What a good opportunity to bathe! I am very dry and dusty after my trek through the desert' So, he removed his clothes, put them aside by the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them." The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? That is an insulting lie, Palestinians weren't even there then!" The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech......." *************************************** Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London. Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3. Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'? Parvinder shows Habib his sign. It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move me and my family back to Pakistan'. *************************************** The Pearly Gates Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from South Auckland showed up. Never having seen anyone from South Auckland at Heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!" "What? All of the people from South Auckland are gone?" asked God. "No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
754781	2009-03-08 21:34:00	Love that last one!!! :thumbs: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:	johcar (6283)
754782	2009-03-10 20:54:00	25 Phrases Of Wisdom 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.	johcar (6283)
754783	2009-03-10 22:10:00	Some real beauts in that list, johcar. Still chuckling...	Laura (43)
754784	2009-03-10 22:17:00	I reckon #24 has more than a modicum of relevance to this Forum... :D	johcar (6283)
754785	2009-03-10 22:57:00	For # 10, if I looked like my passport picture I would not be well enough to travel.	R2x1 (4628)
754786	2009-03-10 23:08:00	An Indian Mystery is revealed:- Finally, someone has cleared this up for me. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won :- A -a taxi licence in Adelaide , B -a convenience store in Melbourne, C- a service station in Perth , D- a kebab shop in Brisbane or E- a take away cafe in Sydney If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia. In New Zealand, the same thing happens but you win a Dairy or become a technical manager for Vodafone. *************************************** Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: Man you are going to be in deep guano when beeswax reads this Billy.	prefect (6291)
754787	2009-03-11 08:02:00	Hahaha too true.	roddy_boy (4115)
754788	2009-03-11 08:49:00	Man you are going to be in deep guano when beeswax reads this Billy. No no, I had a good laugh at that one :lol:	beeswax34 (63)
754789	2009-03-11 19:57:00	Man Flu - The Facts... 1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) 2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too. 3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities. 4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in. 5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it 6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast). 7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. 8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off. 9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu. 10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.	sarel (2490)
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