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Thread ID: 98220 2009-03-15 20:35:00 Monday Laughs...............St Patrick's Day Special Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
756807 2009-03-15 20:35:00 Irish Bank Robbery

An armed and hooded robber burst into the Bank of Ireland and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. He was on his way out the door with the loot when one brave Irish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. Without hesitation, the robber shot the guy in the head!

He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers was looking straight at him so the robber walked over and calmly shot him in the head also. By now everyone in the Bank was terrified and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' called the robber.

There was a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raised his hand and said:

'I tink me darlin wife here may have caught a glimpse ....


************************************************

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five stand up but continue playing. Finally, Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws, and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to 'be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse'.

'Discreet??? Oi'm the most discreet Oirishman you'll ever meet' sez Paul, 'discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

So, Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

************************************************


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was too, but useless in a fight.'


*************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'


***********************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'
.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no,' says Tim. 'In fact, he got out three times to pee.'


************************************************

Drunk as usual, Paddy O'Reilly staggers into the local Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Paddy mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no bloody paper on this side either.'


***********************************************

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


Cheers

O'Billy 8-{)

Sure an oi'm part oirish meself. Me mother was a Catholic an me father was a Protestant, so they got married in a Presbyterian Church and me an me sisters wuz raised as Methodists!:waughh: 		Billy T (70)
756808 2009-03-16 02:32:00 3rd and 4th :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: --Wolf-- (128)
756809 2009-03-16 03:33:00 Paddy is out walking through the country outside of Dublin and remembers that he has an appointment in town in about an hour and as luck would have it he has walked two hours into the woods .

Spying a bus stop, he waits with Murphy, the local inebriate .

As the bus pulls up, Paddy gets on and pays his fare whilst Murphy asks "How much is th' fare to Stoneybatter?"

"Two-n'six" says the driver and Murphy, miffed by the price says he isn't gonna pay such an outlandish fee for a bus ride .

"Off with ye then" says the driver and slams the door to the bus in Murphy's face . Driving away, the driver spies Murphy running after the bus with his tails and hair flying and it's not a pleasant sight to see .

At the next stop, the driver opens the door and Murphy huffs and puffs up to the bus and ask "How much fer the ride to Stoneybatter NOW!"

"Three-n'six, gov" says the driver and the look on Murphy's face made it clear that he was NOT in the mood for a joke - so he asks "Why is the price so different here from the last bus stop?"

"Because Oi'm going the ither way!" :blush: 		SurferJoe46 (51)
756810 2009-03-16 03:43:00 This one is my favourite Irish joke . It sums up the Irish for me .

(I have Irish heritage - some might say that explains a lot . But I couldn't possibly comment . )

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers . He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers . I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back . ”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer . One man even leaves .

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder . “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman .

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness . Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back .

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement . The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first . ” 		johcar (6283)
756811 2009-03-17 04:07:00 Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."

Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."

A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected."

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?" 		ooh yeh (2935)
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