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Thread ID: 98381	2009-03-22 23:42:00	Monday Laughs...........And then the fight started, Collectors Edition.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
758626	2009-03-22 23:42:00	My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'dust.' And then the fight started... ***** My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started... ***** Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 80 kph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ****** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started... ***** My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ****** When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... ***** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ***** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... ***** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah", I said "she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ***** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started... ***** A California man was laying in his bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because,'she replied, 'I really miss mine.' And then the fight started... ....... Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
758627	2009-03-22 23:48:00	This one again?	Deane F (8204)
758628	2009-03-23 01:06:00	My wife proudly showed me her new dress that she said she had bought for a ridiculous price . I suggested that it was not so much a ridiculous price as and absurd figure . And then the fight started . . . . . When we visited the marriage counsellor I told him that I had taken his advice: I try to make my marriage more exciting but my wife always finds out . And then the fight started . . . . . My daughter was asking questions about her past . "Was I adopted?" she asked . "Yes," I said, "but they brought you back . " And then the fight started . . . . .	Roscoe (6288)
758629	2009-03-23 06:21:00	I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Corona for $19.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $12.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.... I was discussing bills with my wife and she asked for $190 to help cover it. I felt she wanted too much money and said "Well I do let you live here for free" And then the fight started.... My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started....	johcar (6283)
758630	2009-03-23 06:41:00	An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who Shared offices with several other doctors . The waiting room was filled with patients . As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler . ? He gave her his name . In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man . ? He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ? 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS . . . '	wainuitech (129)
758631	2009-03-23 23:24:00	While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree . Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied . "You've gotta be kiddin' me . " "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK . . . " So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it . With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left . Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there . When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake . . . " Ken	kenj (9738)
758632	2009-03-24 17:43:00	'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand . (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple . 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt' . (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing . The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet . (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right? The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes) . (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one . ) There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous . (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious . ' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard . . (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear . A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds . (Some days that's about what my memory span is . ) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second . A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes . A snail can sleep for three years . (I know some people that could do this too . !) Almonds are a member of the peach family . An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain . (I know some people like that also) Babies are born without kneecaps . They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age . February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon . In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated . If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction . Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated . The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing . . The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns .	Cicero (40)
758633	2009-03-24 22:53:00	Subject: Talking Dog A young jackeroo ( for the uninformed: a sheep/cattleman ) from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk." "That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackeroo says, "I'll get him in the course." So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father Wants to know. "Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read." "Read?!"exclaims his father. "No ! How do we get Ol' Blue In that program?" "Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can't talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to hear him, and see him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is dad still messing with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?" The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that ba**ard before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.	Sweep (90)
758634	2009-03-25 04:49:00	If you'll believe that lot, you'll believe anything Ciccy. Most are debunked Here (www.jefflewis.net) Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth:	Billy T (70)
758635	2009-03-25 06:50:00	If you'll believe that lot, you'll believe anything Ciccy. Most are debunked Here (www.jefflewis.net) Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth: I tend to take such things with a grain of salt,I thought the crew might find them amusing. I knew I could rely on you B to get to the truth.	Cicero (40)
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