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Thread ID: 98570	2009-03-29 21:17:00	Monday Laughs...............A fate worse than death!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
760590	2009-03-29 21:17:00	My terrible nightmare!! In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color . Black . I also found my drug rehab card and it says I am HIV-positive, could it get any worse? I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair . But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible . It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and HIV-positive and disabled . ' 'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me I turn around, and it's my boyfriend . Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend . Oh, my God . . Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and oh noooooo, I'm bald!!! The telephone rings . It's my brother . He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing . Get a job you worthless piece of crap! Any job!' Mom? Dad? Nooooooooo Now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan . But he doesn't get it . Frustrated, I hang up . It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out . I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere . Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker . Pacemaker? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood . At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided which inaugural party we are going to for Obama ??????' Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT . **************************** UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT) A study worth sharing with friends both male and female: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle . For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features . However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with his pubic hair and genitals are on fire, duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest . No further studies are expected . **************************** Two women were playing golf . One teed off but sliced badly and watched in horror as her ball rocketed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole . The ball hit one of the men . He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony . The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise . 'Please allow me to help . I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him . 'Oh, no, I'll be all right . I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied, but he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin . At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help . She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside . She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and asked,'Now, how does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken . **************************** Retirement Dinner A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish . A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, however, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here . I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place . The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it . He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister through an illicit sexual relationship . I was appalled, but as the days went on I learned that my parishioners were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people . ' . . . Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late . He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician . 'In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession . ' Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late! Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
760591	2009-03-29 21:57:00	In the Beginning 1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. 2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. 3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. 4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. 5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. 6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. 7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. 8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. 9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. 10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ? 11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. 12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. 13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. 14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. 15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! 16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. 17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. 18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. 19. And God threw them out of the Data Centre and locked the door and secured it with a password. 20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT *********************************** www.imagef1.net.nz	johcar (6283)
760592	2009-03-30 22:07:00	I went to a pharmacist in Pattaya when I had badly sunburned my legs and she gave me some viagra. I thought this a little strange and asked whether it would take away the pain. She said it would not but it would keep the bedsheets of my legs that night.	Cicero (40)
760593	2009-03-30 22:26:00	:lol::lol::lol: Ken	kenj (9738)
760594	2009-04-02 09:25:00	A bit light on the jokes this week, so here's something to finish the week with: *How To Speak/Write English Properly* 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 1 2. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 1 3. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 1 4. One should NEVER generalize. 1 5. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 1 7. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 1 8. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 1 9. The passive voice is to be ignored. 20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 2 2. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 2 3. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 2 4. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 2 5. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 26. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 2 7. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 2 8. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 2 9. Who needs rhetorical questions? 30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And the last one... 31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.	johcar (6283)
760595	2009-04-02 12:26:00	Brilliant.	roddy_boy (4115)
760596	2009-04-03 19:15:00	You are very economical on words roddy	prefect (6291)
760597	2009-04-05 23:24:00	Saving the planet one keystroke at a time. They were great Johcar.	wratterus (105)
760598	2009-04-06 00:17:00	Just got this one today Two Aussie businessmen in New Zealand were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up, one said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick ****ing kiwi is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious kiwi walked to the window, had a peek and in a broad Kiwi accent asked: 'Whatcha selling here bro?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes'. Without skipping a beat, the Kiwi said, 'You're doin' well.......only two left!'	Gobe1 (6290)
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