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Thread ID: 98965	2009-04-14 11:38:00	Post-Easter Laughs........Yeah well, I was away having fun with Mrs T, no bull	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
765039	2009-04-14 11:38:00	A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie in Western Australia. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!! The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The truckie replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick. ********************************* Scotch with two drops of water. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, as well.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is an entirely different matter.' ********************************* 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy, and your pacemaker opens the garage door, 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes? ********************************* My wife and I went to the local show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW!! That's more than twice a week! ............You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, then she said, 'That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every day.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
765040	2009-04-14 12:40:00	nice.	williamF (115)
765041	2009-04-14 12:46:00	Today's Market Activity: Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Purex Tissue touched a new bottom.	johcar (6283)
765042	2009-04-17 03:00:00	Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque . They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside . Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care . . . One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma . During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree . A spokesman for the Birmingham Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there' . Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now . I just saw that Harry Potter film . A bit unrealistic if you ask me . I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? I had a mate who was suicidal . He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train . He was chuffed to bits . When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids . Took her out with one punch . My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed . "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me . A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter . Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them . . . . they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age . " "Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother . "He's taken her appendix out!" I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed . How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet . I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" .	Cicero (40)
765043	2009-04-17 03:33:00	:D :D :D :D :D Well pasted Cicero!!	johcar (6283)
765044	2009-04-17 04:20:00	I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet . I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" . I love that one:D:lol:	Blam (54)
765045	2009-04-17 04:24:00	I love that one:D:lol: x2, awesome. :D :lol:	wratterus (105)
765046	2009-04-17 04:40:00	x3 well done.	Bantu (52)
765047	2009-04-17 05:01:00	those the the most brilliant jokes ive seen in AGES whered you get them from? i cant stop laughing its actually starting to hurt :blush:	MAC_H8ER (5897)
765048	2009-04-17 05:48:00	those the the most brilliant jokes ive seen in AGES whered you get them from? i cant stop laughing its actually starting to hurt :blush: They arrive with the rest,I try to sort best ones out just for you. You all being such good lads.	Cicero (40)
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