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Thread ID: 99485	2009-05-04 00:18:00	Monday Laughs...............Job Lot of Surplus Snippets	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
770756	2009-05-04 00:18:00	The gender of inanimate objects I'm sure we can all identify with some of these . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . You may not know that many non-living items are actually male or female, for example: 1 . Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them . 2 . Photocopiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again . It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed . 3 . Tires -- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated . 4 . Hot Air Balloons -- Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part . 5 . Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water . 6 . Web Pages -- Female, because they're always getting hit on . 7 . Trains -- Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up . 8 . Egg Timers -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom . 9 . Hammers -- Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around . 10 . The Remote Control -- Female . . . . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male, but consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying . About Men Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men . Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy . Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough . Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts . Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe . Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need . A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need . Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" Rodney Dangerfield Quotes My wife isn't very bright . The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it . I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate . " Last night my wife met me at the front door . She was wearing a sexy negligee . The only problem was, she was coming home . The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked . I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early . " My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night . My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves . My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer . My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal . I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger . That's when you put a bag over your own head too, in case the bag over her head comes off . I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders . I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Doctor slapped my Mother . I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning! I know I'm not sexy . When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling . A hooker once told me she had a headache . If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all . I went to see my Doctor . . . Dr . Vinnie Goomba . He asked if I had this before? I said yes . He said well, you got it again . One-Liners . . . . * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me . * Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest . * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now . * The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference . * To try to write with a broken pencil is pointless . * When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate . * The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large . * A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months . * A thief fell in wet cement and broke his leg . He couldn't get out and became a hardened criminal . * Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking . * We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply . * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A . * The math professor went crazy with the blackboard . He did a number on it . * The geology Professor discovered that his new earthquake theory was on shaky ground . * The dead batteries were given away free of charge . * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory . * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail . * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) * A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired . * Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana . * A backward Poet writes inverse . * In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes . * A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion . * If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed . * With her marriage she got a new name and a dress . * Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner . * When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds . * The guy who fell into an upholstery machine ended up fully recovered . * You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it . * He broke into song because he couldn't find the key . * A calendar's days are numbered . * A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine . * A boiled egg is hard to beat . * He had a photographic memory which was never developed . * A plateau is a high form of flattery . * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end . * When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall . * When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye . * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis . * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses . * Acupuncture . . . a jab well done!! Cheers Billy 8-{) :p	Billy T (70)
770757	2009-05-04 03:26:00	I was a bit worried about this swine flu thing so I rang the helpline, but all I got was crackling.	R2x1 (4628)
770758	2009-05-04 07:03:00	Sow that's how it is! I think you're telling porkies, R2x1! But I won't squeal if I can get out of hock by going down on my belly . These puns keep me on the trot(ters) . (Gotta go back to the padded room now)	johcar (6283)
770759	2009-05-04 11:16:00	The Zipper As the bus stopped in Queen Street and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Auckland Detective Sergeant who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Sergeant smiled and said , 'Well, lady, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I assumed we were friends.'	Marnie (4574)
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