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Thread ID: 146181	2018-05-13 22:07:00	Monday Laughs - please contribute	Roscoe (6288)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1449527	2018-05-13 22:07:00	There are only 11 times in history where @#$% has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. "What the @#$% was that?” -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. "Where did all those @#$% Indians come from?" -- George Custer, 1877 8. "Any @#$% idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$% ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the @#$% am I?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my arse!" -- Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” -- Bill Clinton, 1998 1. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President ” -- Hilary Clinton, 2016	Roscoe (6288)
1449528	2018-05-14 02:33:00	I come from a very diverse ethnic group of people who are probably all dead - or at least the statute of limitations has been exceeded by now. One really HUGE Italian (Catholic Sicilian) verses Irish (Protestant House of Orange) funeral comes to mind. The dead person, my Great Great Aunt Rhetta from my mother's side of Irish/Welsh Protestants died - maybe she was dead for years before anyone had the nerve to tell her. I digress. In the coffin for full viewing, she was the same plastic color as she was alive - again that part that she mightta been dead a long time before the funeral -------- but never mind.... And after a long winded tirade, the priest (this was a biggie as one side wanted a Roman Catholic priest to officiate and the other side wanted a Protestant Vicar - or whatever - it was a big contentious point too) ... walked away from the front of the gravesite and the little pulpit/altar. Noses were outta joint and feelings were coming to a boil, but the Vicar took his place next at the dais, and was about to open his tirade too --- when ----- My Uncle Charley full of Irish Whiskey fer sure, harshly was pushing through the crowd, thinking that enough talking had been done by now . He was trying to get a standing position at the head of the graveside first - trying to get the front row for the best family - the Irish Protestant side. The Italian Catholic side engaged in some pushing at this point, and the Roman Catholic priest somehow was shoved into the grave, prone-out onto the top of the casket - so the Italians shoved the Protestant Vicar into the hole too. It was The Catholics verses The House of Orange all over again. Noses were now being physically bent and yet my Uncle Kenny and Aunt Shirley (she's full-blooded Sicilian - these people were born killers) tells Uncle Kenny and Charley to throw all their money from their wallets and pockets into the pit. They do. This stops the fight, mid-swing, and then both sides crawl outta the grave, pulling their respective religious leaders out of the hole too. This was a show of wealth and the willingness to put a lot of money onto Great Great Aunt Rhetta's soon-to-be-buried coffin as a special tribute to her - which in my mind is just dumb as I didn't like her at all. She smelled bad from not standing too close to a bar of soap in the shower - even to the point of not going shopping so she wouldn't get close to the soap aisle. Come to think of it, I'm also sure that water was not her best friend either. But lots of perfume was.... you all know what I mean! By this time, my Aunt Shirley is being one-upped by my Aunt Louise - (married to my Uncle Ronnie - a Bergen County cop) - and she is ripping her long string of pearls off her neck, trying to show up Shirley with her much less valuable oyster deposit contribution. More nutso and more so! Then my not-yet-mentioned Aunt Danella, married to my Uncle Sonny, steps over to the grave and throws her diamond wedding ring and her diamond stick pin (all Sicilian women wear a stickpin - just in case .....) with the 8 carat diamond on it, into the mixture of ---> by now, lots of valuable jewelry and cash and such into the grave. Then it gets stone silent. Uncle Jimmy - of the Irish side - strolls up to the grave, whips out his checkbook and writes Aunt Rhetta a check for One Million Dollars ---- and tosses it into the hole. Things get kinda blurry here and all I can say is that the ride in the ambulance was a lot of fun, what with the lights and sirens and going really fast! Shortly after a while we're all at a hospital emergency room; my side of the family in Totowa, NJ, for the Irish ..... and in Wanaque NJ for the Sicilian side --- this to keep them divided by lots of miles and a lot less blood being lost. This is when my Aunt Evelyn - a cross-over Sicilian who married an Irish uncle of mine - but that's another story - says: " You sure showed them.... (input your own expletive here - take your choice - but it rhymes with "Pithead").... by putting a million dollar check into the grave". Uncle Jimmy just smiles and says: "Yeah - but I want to see her try to cash it!"	SurferJoe46 (51)
1449529	2018-05-14 02:48:00	Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop . The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am . " An Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives? Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were sleeping out in the wild . At 2:00 am in the morning, Holmes woke up Watson and he asked, "Watson, look up and pray tell me what you presume . " Watson replied, "I see a vast Universe, full of stars and wonder . There is Venus over there . And the Moon is half lit . I know that lurking at the center of our galaxy is a black hole, and that gamma ray bursts occasionally blast at us, that there are billions and billions of planets out there, some of which must harbor life . We are not alone . " Watson would have continued but Holmes abruptly cut him off, "No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!"	piroska (17583)
1449530	2018-05-14 09:00:00	My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with. “Eleven” I replied. “Wow! You must be a player” she laughed. “No” I said “I’m their coach”.	tutaenui (1724)
1449531	2018-05-14 21:06:00	8830	B.M. (505)
1449532	2018-05-15 01:58:00	From my inbox today, proving misogyny is alive and well (at least in my inbox) . . . Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small . Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion . 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds' . Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts . 'How long will this take?' I asked . 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies . I stopped . 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw . Stupid, stupid man . :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1449533	2018-05-15 02:40:00	A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."	smithie 38 (6684)
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