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Thread ID: 100059 2009-05-24 20:54:00 Monday Laughs...............Wet jokes and one-liner's for groan-ups Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
776589 2009-05-24 20:54:00 Man goes to the doctors' with a strawberry growing out of his head .

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it . '

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home . '

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome . '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual . '

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet .

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' .

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth . Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down . '

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's . '

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married .

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant .

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So I went to the dentist .

He said 'Say Aaaahh . . '

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died . '

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So I got home and the phone was ringing . I picked it up, and said 'who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are . '

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So I rang up my local swimming baths . I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from . '

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house . '

He said 'I'm not stopping you . '

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese . And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them .

It's either my mum or my dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Chow-Chu .

But I think it's Colin .

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted . '

And I swerved .

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again . '

And I swerved again .

He rang up a third time and said 'Congratulations, you're now our Managing Director . '

And I drove into a tree .

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road . '

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards .

I thought 'This is unusual', and the dentist said to me, 'Mr . Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet . '

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it . '

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Two cannibals eating a clown . One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks .

They charged one and let the other one off .

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today . They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine . '

So that was nice .

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A man walked into the Doctors, and the doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know, I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well, stay away from those places'

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any .

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I bought some HP sauce the other day . It's costing me 5c a month for the next 2 years .

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Two blondes walked into a building . . . . . . . . . . you'd think at least one of them would have seen it .

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Phone answering machine message -

' . . . If you want to buy marijuana . . . . . . . . . . . . . . press the hash key . . . '

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I went to the butchers' the other day and I bet him $100 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf .

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high . '

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli . A strong currant pulled him in .

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident .

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, your arms have been amputated' .

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly .

They lit a fire in the craft . It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too .

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands .

Police say that he topped himself .

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round . '

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery .

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night .


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :groan::groan: 		Billy T (70)
776590 2009-05-24 21:34:00 Thanks Billy! somebody (208)
776591 2009-05-24 22:11:00 :D - last one was classic :D Bozo (8540)
776592 2009-05-25 08:28:00 :D - last one was classic :D

x2!~ 		beeswax34 (63)
776593 2009-05-25 08:37:00 As good as ever thanks Billy, I always look forward to coming home on Mondays and reading your jokes gary67 (56)
776594 2009-05-25 10:42:00 Tommy Cooper? johcar (6283)
776595 2009-05-25 11:17:00 Tommy Cooper?

I don't know the source, but it is very Cooperish and this might be a clue:

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

I have modified a few, as I usually do if I think they have lost something in the repeated transfers, or the grammar is excruciatingly bad.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
776596 2009-05-25 13:17:00 pfffffffffft hahahahahahaha. what happened to the baker who stood on a bun... a strong current went up his leg and electrocuted him williamF (115)
776597 2009-05-25 13:26:00 A man went into the doctor's office and said that he had a weird ailment. The doc asked him what was wrong. The guy told the doc to lean over and listen to his hipbone. The doctor did.

"Please, mister, could you loan me $10?" a voice from the hip said.

The doctor stood up quickly and looked at the man puzzled saying, "I've never heard anything like that in all my years of practice!"

"That's nothing, doc. Listen to my knee."

The doc leans over and puts his ear near the guy's knee.

"Sir, you seem like a kind soul. Could you give me $1?"

The doc's eyes widened and he was baffled.

"Take a listen to my shin, doc."

So the doctor leaned to listen to his shin.

"Sir, could you give me $5? It would help me tremendously."

"So what do you think? What's wrong with me?" asked the man.

To which the doctor replied, "I'm not real sure why there's voices coming from you, but I can tell you this. Your leg is broke in 3 places." 		Rob99 (151)
776598 2009-05-25 13:59:00 SENIORS HALLOWEEN:
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time
decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, "you're going out like that?" "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator." 		Rob99 (151)
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