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Thread ID: 101011	2009-06-29 00:40:00	Monday Laughs: Celibacy, and all that..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
786806	2009-06-29 00:40:00	Poor Colin Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy . This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors . While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Colin and Liz listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other . ' He addressed the men . 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Colin leaned over, touched Liz’s arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?' Thus began Colin’s life of celibacy . ************************************** Poor John John works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday . His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club . The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, John! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before . 'Oh no,' says John . 'He's in my bowling club . When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer . His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?' 'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club . I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes . ' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Johnny . Want your usual table dance, big boy?' John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club John follows and spots her getting into a cab . Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her . John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book . The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez John, you picked up a real bltch this time . ' John's funeral will be on Friday . ************************************** Poor Eddie A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks . Eddie, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'm just popping out for a while but I'll be right back . ' 'Where are you going, coochy coo?' asked the wife . 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face . I'm going to have a beer . ' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, New Zealand etc . Eddie didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop . . . but at the bar . . . . . you know . . . . they have frozen glasses . . . ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it . Eddie, now looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious . . . I won't be long, I'll be right back . I promise . OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc . But my sweet honey . . . at the bar . . . . you know . . . there's man talk, swearing and dirty words and all that . . . ' 'You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your *&@king beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother!#*king snacks, because you are MARRIED now, and you aren't #*!king going anywhere !#*tfeatures! Got it, *******?' . . . . . . . . . . and, they both lived happily ever after . Now, isn't that a sweet story?!! ************************************** Poor Jim A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Jim . Suddenly, Jim burst into the kitchen . 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once . TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM! NOW! We need more butter . Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them . You know you always forget to salt them . Use the salt . USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' His wife stared at him . 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' Then Jim calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving . ' Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
786807	2009-06-29 01:18:00	Magic Sandals A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shoemaker claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, mon.' The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'	johcar (6283)
786808	2009-06-29 02:27:00	Great jokes	Gobe1 (6290)
786809	2009-06-29 05:40:00	When You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember 1 . Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book . It's called . . . . . . . . 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 2 . Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary . . 3 . The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring . 4 . My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone . 5 . The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom . 6 . I hate sex in the movies . Tried it once . the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood . 7 . It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too . 8 . . A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house . 9 My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can . 10 . Definition of a teenager? God's punishment . . . for enjoying sex . 11 . As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way . . .	smithie 38 (6684)
786810	2009-06-29 06:10:00	Johcar's one is pure awesome!	beeswax34 (63)
786811	2009-06-29 06:38:00	Should two lovers be frank and earnest or should one of them be a girl? A sow's ear may not make a silk purse, but a good calf can do a lot for a stocking. The only people who listen to both sides of a quarrel between husband and wife are the neighbours. Did you hear about the stripper who married a clown? They ended up in a comic strip.	Roscoe (6288)
786812	2009-06-29 07:33:00	Magic Sandals A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shoemaker claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, mon.' The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!' Love this one but I thought Jamaicans were ex Africans not ex Irish :thumbs:	gary67 (56)
786813	2009-06-29 22:12:00	A bit off-topic (celibacy), but I enjoyed this one . . . A man enters a barber shop for a shave . While the barber is foaming him up, the man mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks . "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer . "Just place this between your cheek and gum . " The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced . After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech . "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber . "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does . "	johcar (6283)
786814	2009-06-30 10:12:00	Who said Scots Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the lonely-hearts column. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08 Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03 Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 . Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41 Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more Box 84/87 Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32 Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45 Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27 Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a=2 0pale moon. Box 52/07 Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978. Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41 Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm	R2x1 (4628)
786815	2009-06-30 23:31:00	The Hair Cut... One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.	Cicero (40)
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