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Thread ID: 101222 2009-07-05 21:44:00 Monday Laughs: Surplus Stock Clearance. Can't afford the storage costs.......... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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789264 2009-07-05 21:44:00 HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better . '

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living . '

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill' said God .

'Not kill? We're not interested . '

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and thy Mother . '

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are . We're not interested . '

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal . '

'Not steal? We're not interested . '

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments . '

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery . '

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested . '

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments . '

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free . '

'We'll take 10 . '



There, that should offend just about everybody . Makes an excellent start for a Monday morning

*********************************


A man in a Wellington supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce . The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce . The man persists and asks to see the manager . The boy says he'll ask his manager about it . Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some a$$hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce . " As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half . "

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way .

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier . We like people who think on their feet here . Where are you from, son?"

"Australia, sir," the boy replied .

"Well, why did you leave Oz?" the manager asked .

The boy said, "Well Sir, there's nothing but whores and league players over there . "

"Really?" said the manager . "My wife is from Australia . "

"No shlt?" replied the boy . "Who'd she play for?"

*********************************


JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder . The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window .

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me . '

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much .

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault . Today is my first day driving a cab . . . . . . .

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years .

*********************************


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie .

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want . '

So he tied her up and went golfing .

*********************************


A Polish immigrant went to the MoT to apply for a driver's license . First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test . The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z . '

'Can you read this?' the optician asked .

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'He's my brother in law' .



Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
789265 2009-07-05 21:51:00 After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago .


Not to be outdone by the poms, in the weeks that followed, Australian
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces
of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the Brits . "


One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country
Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing .

Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori already had WiFi . " 		nofam (9009)
789266 2009-07-06 01:17:00 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't
have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! 		smithie 38 (6684)
789267 2009-07-08 22:08:00 I had a mate who was suicidal . He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train .
He was chuffed to bits .

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet . She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up .
She turned out to be an undercover detective .
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up .
She said I had to stop w *anking .
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film . A bit unrealistic if you ask me . I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids .
Took her out with one punch .

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone . I said "morning . "
He replied, "No, just having a cr*ap . "

Disabled toilets . Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in .

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed .
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet .
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 		Gobe1 (6290)
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