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Thread ID: 146323	2018-07-02 00:16:00	Monday Laughs - please contribute	Roscoe (6288)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1451107	2018-07-02 00:16:00	The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"	Roscoe (6288)
1451108	2018-07-02 03:45:00	If I have posted this before then I am blaming the medication or it could have been the burger. TESCO'S HORSE In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers. Even places like Burger King admit that there are small amounts of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way! Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!" Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots.... "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!" I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse. At first I thought, Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on.” Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags. Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a “Trojan Horse?” Instead of choosing rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show.	Marnie (4574)
1451109	2018-07-02 06:10:00	If you've ever owned your own business, been an entrepreneur or wondered what it's like doing so, this is as close to reality as it gets. The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally". IRS AUDITOR: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one". Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”? ************************************************** ******************* An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently,” she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”	smithie 38 (6684)
1451110	2018-07-03 23:54:00	In ... frequently :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1451111	2018-07-04 23:33:00	A father left his work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday . He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19 . 95, Shopping Barbie for $19 . 95, Beach Barbie for $19 . 95, Disco Barbie for $19 . 95, Ballerina Barbie for $19 . 95, Astronaut Barbie for $19 . 95, Skater Barbie for $19 . 95, and Divorced Barbie for $265 . 95 . ” The amazed father asks: It's what?! “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265 . 95 and the others only $19 . 95?'The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir . . . , Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls! Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
1451112	2018-07-04 23:41:00	kenj, wonderful joke, haha.	zqwerty (97)
1451113	2018-07-06 06:46:00	My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station. We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English. The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded types glared at us, The wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress, All the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey safely to Sydney Airport. Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
1451114	2018-07-06 08:28:00	The following concerns a concert harpist at the Boston Symphony Orchestra . The conductor at the time was William Steinberg, who insisted on very formal rehearsals . Musicians were expected to be early, so that the rehearsal started exactly on time, and wearing a suit and tie . This harpist was getting tired of the small parts his instrument got in most symphonic works . One evening over drinks, a friend of his named Sam Frank invited the harpist to play at his club . So the harpist showed up with his harp and played some background music for the early patrons before the band arrived . When the other musicians (a small jazz combo) arrived, they asked the harpist to sit in with them . It was meant as a joke, but he took them up on it . Soon, the harpist was be-bopping right along with the combo . People were dancing, drinks were flowing, and the music was moving . It was the best gig the harpist had ever been a part of . Unfortunately, the harpist did not keep track of the time . And when the gig ended, he went to an after-hours club with the other musicians . He eventually stumbles home in the wee hours of the morning . He stumbles into bed without changing, and hits the snooze alarm a few too many times mere hours later . Eventually he realizes his predicament, rushes to Symphony Hall and hurtles into the rehearsal room just as Steinberg is taking his place . Steinberg is not impressed . The harpist is unshaven, unshowered, and wearing yesterday's disheveled clothes . "Please take your place at your instrument," he instructs . "Speaking of which, where is your instrument?" "Oh, no!" the horrified harpist exclaims . "I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!" :groan:	WalOne (4202)
1451115	2018-07-06 20:58:00	A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? " asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "another Democrat , he has no job, he has no plan, and he thinks I'm God."	B.M. (505)
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