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Thread ID: 101370	2009-07-12 22:09:00	Monday Laughs........Take 'em as you find 'em...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
791153	2009-07-16 22:33:00	Not sure whether this has been posted here before... *** A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .... So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, a**hole?' So he stayed home............ ........and, they lived happily ever after. *** (DISCLAIMER: This is a made-up scenario. Any resemblance to anyone (looking over my shoulder) is purely coincidental...)	johcar (6283)
791154	2009-07-17 04:05:00	A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually Attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the Gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod Of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man And then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was Lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it To the gentleman.. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your Garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in Return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him To deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in My several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 Acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank Account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, why would I cut off 2" inches.?.......... Just send the bottle back.'	Cicero (40)
791155	2009-07-17 11:28:00	johcar did you just steal that from last week? (or the week befores?)	--Wolf-- (128)
791156	2009-07-17 11:30:00	Got it in an email - but it looked familiar... Apologies if it was repeated...	johcar (6283)
791157	2009-07-18 00:49:00	A Mother had 3 virgin daughters . They were all getting married within a short time period . Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt . The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding . The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe' Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar . It said: 'Good till the last drop' . Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter . The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans' Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long . King Size' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter . The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand . Mom waited for a week, nothing . Another week went by and still nothing . Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived . Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand' Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ . The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways . ' Mum fainted! Ken	kenj (9738)
791158	2009-07-18 01:32:00	LOL! :D	Renmoo (66)
791159	2009-07-18 02:24:00	Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure . " The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father . "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white . " One more . . . . . . . . . It is the month of July, in the deep South of NZ . It is raining, and the little town of Tuatapere looks totally deserted . It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit . Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town . He enters the only hotel, lays a $100 note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms in order to pick one . The hotel proprietor takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher . The Butcher takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower . The pig grower takes the $100 note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel . The supplier of feed and fuel takes the $100 note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit . The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the $100 note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there . The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything . At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his $100 note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town . No one earned anything . However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism . And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today . Ken :lol:	kenj (9738)
791160	2009-07-18 05:36:00	Got it in an email - but it looked familiar . . . Apologies if it was repeated . . . Interesting! It is the same joke that I posted on Monday Laughs, but more than that, it is my version . You see, jokes are about delivery and flow, so I rewrite many of the jokes I post to improve the punctuation, language, grammar or just to add to the story, and I did a bit of a makeover on that one, especially at the end so I recognise my own work . You know what they say about imitation . . . . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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