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Thread ID: 101969	2009-08-03 02:51:00	Monday Laughs........Wives, and other B......s...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
797558	2009-08-03 02:51:00	Some made me smile! The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly wide open . His secretary walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question . As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up . He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door . ' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When you noticed my garage door was open, did you happen to see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't . All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires . ' ********************************* Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a 24 pack of Tui and sticks them into the trolley . 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife . 'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says 'Put them back . We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping . . . A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley . 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man . 'It's my face cream . It makes me look beautiful,' she says . The man replies . . . 'So does 24 cans of Tui, and it's only half the *&%$@#! price ********************************* Colin the Aboriginal:- A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours . He also invited Colin, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood . . . He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion . Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, flirting, eating prawns and oysters, then . . . at the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 4 metre man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in . ' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor . The water was churning and splashing everywhere . Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell . Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish, and he then slowly climbed out of the pool . Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief . The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars . ' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin . The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet . How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks . I don't want it,' answered Colin . The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something . That was amazing, how about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No . " Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I just want somebody to finger the bastard who pushed me in . ' ********************************* Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors . Because the poor woman was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in . One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched . 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice . 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him . 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall . As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him . Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am . ' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand . 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!!! ********************************* Getting a hairdryer through Customs . . . A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest seated beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child . What may I do for you?' 'Well, I have bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it . Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear,' said the Priest, 'but I must warn you: I will not lie . ' 'But with your honest face, Father, no one will question you . ' replied the young woman . When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her . The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare' he replied . The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused . ' Answered the priest . Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father . Next!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
797559	2009-08-03 04:40:00	Haha all great thanks	--Wolf-- (128)
797560	2009-08-03 06:14:00	Like the last one, the others are good too. :D:lol:	gary67 (56)
797561	2009-08-03 06:53:00	Very nice ! :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
797562	2009-08-03 07:00:00	When Insults Had Class: (no 4-letter words !! ) These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers . The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it . " A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease . " "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress . " "He had delusions of adequacy . " - Walter Kerr "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire . " - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about . " - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure . " Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary . " - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) . "Poor Faulkner . Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it . " - Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know . " - Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it . " - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends . " - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . . if you have one . " - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one . " - Winston Churchill, in response . "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here . " - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator . " - John Bright "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others . " - Samuel Johnson "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure . " Jack E . Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt . " - Robert Redford "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily . " - Charles, Count Talleyrand "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork . " - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go . " - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination . " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music . " - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it . " - Groucho Marx . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ken	kenj (9738)
797563	2009-08-03 09:05:00	Subject: FW: black labrador joke A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man... The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to **** all over the place. The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'	olwyn (8088)
797564	2009-08-03 10:51:00	LOL :p	Renmoo (66)
797565	2009-08-04 11:44:00	Subject:: One of the horses Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous ear shattering fart. The smell is awful. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." President Obama, trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, Mam, do not give the matter another thought, until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."	R2x1 (4628)
797566	2009-08-04 14:55:00	This came from my Boss at an Ministry of Defence Meeting in London in the late seventies. The Air Conmmodore, addressing a singularly obstructive senior Treasury Official " You sir, are the condom at the attempted conception of initiative"	KenESmith (6287)
797567	2009-08-04 21:16:00	Harley Riders A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development . She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh . They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse . The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back . A few days later, the woman's phone rings . Much to her relief, it's the doctor . She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots . The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem . But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?' The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know about Metla?' Tell him his earrings aren't real gold .	Cicero (40)
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