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Thread ID: 102359	2009-08-16 23:49:00	Monday Laughs........Surplus stock clearance again	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
801680	2009-08-16 23:49:00	I've collected more jokes than there are Mondays!! Jim-Bob says to his friend Leroy "I have to confess that I made love to my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ********************************* A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied . 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine . ' ********************************* 'Mr . Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said . 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself . ' ********************************* A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all . ' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband . 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids . ' ********************************* An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you . ' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife . ' ********************************* A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute . ' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up . ********************************* Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez . 'How was he killed?' asked one detective . 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied . 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know . But it sure made a hole in Juan . ' ********************************* Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion . ' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah . Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell . ' ********************************* A man is recovering from local anaethesia surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling . 'I'm O . K . ' he says, 'But I didn't like that four letter-word the doctor used during my operation . ' 'What did he say,' asked the nurse . 'Oops!' ********************************* While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits . It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice . 'What do you think?' I asked . 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied . 'You'd never get it all in one . ' He's still in intensive care . ********************************* The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance . The little old man looked at the Pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's arrived . ' ********************************* Daffy Duck, on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for a condom . The receptionist asks, 'Shall I put it on your bill? ' Daffy replies . . . 'Don't be thucking thtupid, I'd thtufficate' . ********************************* Kids . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved . She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother . The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents . ' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar . During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone . 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now . She's hitting the bottle . ' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room . When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover . The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old . Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report . My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police . Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her . 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station . As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me . 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked . 'It sure is,' I replied . Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van . Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds . She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs . One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass . As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party . When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit . ' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning . ' 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt . Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin . . Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased . The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes . ' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school . 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother . 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!' 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible . He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages . Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible . He picked up the object and looked at it . What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages . 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out . 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!' ********************************* BUTTERCUPS & GOLF BALLS Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups . Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch . All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared . She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!' Then POOF! She was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows . ' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!' PICK IT UP AND TAKE A DROP! ********************************* One more . . . ! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool . . After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split . The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis . ' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
801681	2009-08-17 01:25:00	Billy, that was brilliant. :thumbs:	Richard (739)
801682	2009-08-17 02:56:00	Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest to Grandma's house. Suddenly a big bad wolf appears. "Hello, Little Red Riding Hood," says the wolf. He stands up on his hind legs so that he towers above her menacingly. "Take off your clothes," he commands, "I am going to ***** you." Little Red pulls out a 44 Magnum. "Oh no you're not," she says. "You're going to eat me like the book says."	bob_doe_nz (92)
801683	2009-08-17 03:56:00	Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest to Grandma's house. Suddenly a big bad wolf appears. "Hello, Little Red Riding Hood," says the wolf. He stands up on his hind legs so that he towers above her menacingly. "Take off your clothes," he commands, "I am going to ***** you." Little Red pulls out a 44 Magnum. "Oh no you're not," she says. "You're going to eat me like the book says." Jeez Bob - family show!! :o :o :o	nofam (9009)
801684	2009-08-17 03:59:00	Crikey, that was unexpected Bob... :eek:	wratterus (105)
801685	2009-08-17 04:09:00	What dreadful minds you have Wratterus and Nofam! That was five asterisks, not four . LRRH was simple exercising her known proclivity to high risk self-destructive behaviour, and wishing to retain her modesty, was inviting the wolf to consume her, clothes and all . Nice of her to consider his daily roughage requirements too . Cheers Billy 8-{) :xmouth:	Billy T (70)
801686	2009-08-17 04:13:00	That was five asterisks, not four . still trying to figure out what the 5 are? with 4 asterisks i can come up with a few words that fit the sentence . .	ronyville (10611)
801687	2009-08-17 04:15:00	still trying to figure out what the 5 are? with 4 asterisks i can come up with a few words that fit the sentence.. "enjoy" (meaning eat)	somebody (208)
801688	2009-08-17 04:23:00	still trying to figure out what the 5 are? with 4 asterisks i can come up with a few words that fit the sentence.. Spank Tease Strap Touch Shave Pound :punk :D	nofam (9009)
801689	2009-08-17 04:39:00	Spank Tease Strap Touch Shave Pound :punk :D Nope, I reckon none of those are right so you are screwed. Clean mind, clean body, take your pick............. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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