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Thread ID: 102551	2009-08-24 00:10:00	Monday Laughs........Stories with a moral	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
803710	2009-08-24 00:10:00	Your 3 Minute Senior Management Course Lesson 1: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp . They rub it and a Genie comes out . The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish . ' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk . 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world . ' Poof! She's gone . 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep . 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life . ' Poof! He's gone . 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager . The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office straight after lunch . ' Moral of the story: Always let your boss speak first . Lesson 2 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing . A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not . ' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested . All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it . Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up . Lesson 3 A turkey was chatting with a bull . 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy . ' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull . They're full of nutrients . ' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree . The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch . Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree . He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree . Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there . . . Lesson 4 A little bird was flying south for the winter, but it was so cold the bird froze in flight and fell to the ground into a large field . While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him . As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was . The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy . A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate . He found the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him . Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shlts on you is your enemy . (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shlt is your friend . (3) And when you're neck-deep in the shlt, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THIS ENDS YOUR 3-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE . ********************************* Two Garbage Bags A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her . One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk . Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag . ' 'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady . 'I'd better go back and see if I can find them . Thanks for telling me . . . ' 'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop . 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?' 'Oh, no', says the little old lady . 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot . On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden . So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers, and each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes . ' 'Well, that seems only fair . ' laughs the cop . OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?' 'Well, you know,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays . ' ********************************* Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years . Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light . . . Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous . She figures she would break him of this crazy habit . So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights . She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device . . . A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one . She went completely ballistic . 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'OK, I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids . ' ********************************* There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time . The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gonna buy me sum hot pink panties befo I get on dat plane . ' 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked? The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first . ' The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe-esant orange panties . ' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked . The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis he-ar plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first . ' The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear no panties . . . ' 'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief . The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right . I ain't wearing no panties, cause if dis plane goes down wheeere-eva honey, dey is always gonna go look for da black box first an' longest . . . ********************************* A teacher was doing a classroom study, testing her students' sense of taste . She gave them different coloured Lifesavers and the children began to identify the flavours by their colour: Red . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cherry Yellow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lemon Green . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Apple Orange . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured Lifesavers, but none of the children could identify the taste . The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue . It's what your mother may sometimes call your father . ' One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ar$holes"! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
803711	2009-08-24 00:29:00	All worth waiting for. Thanks.	Sweep (90)
803712	2009-08-24 02:29:00	Thanks Billy...you always put a smile on my dial on Mondays. Ken :thanks	kenj (9738)
803713	2009-08-24 10:59:00	A mortician was working late one night . He examined the body of Mr . Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery . Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr . Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part . It must be saved for posterity . ' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home . 'I h ave something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase . 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'	Cicero (40)
803714	2009-08-25 21:34:00	*National security levels * The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved . " Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross" . Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out . Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance" . The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666 . The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" . The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender" . The rise was precipitated by a fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability . It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert . Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing" . Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides" . The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs . " They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose" . Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy . These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy . Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case . *And at a local level . . . * New Zealand has also raised its security levels -from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" . Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us" . In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi" . Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate" . Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" . There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level .	Cicero (40)
803715	2009-08-25 21:53:00	Hey Cic, that's your best post ever! I really enjoyed it. Very clever. :thumbs:	Richard (739)
803716	2009-08-25 22:09:00	Hey Cic, that's your best post ever! I really enjoyed it. Very clever. :thumbs: Mmmmm,I thought all mine were brilliant and modest too?	Cicero (40)
803717	2009-08-25 23:18:00	Cic has bright and dull moments, but who can tell! nyuck, nyuck!	SurferJoe46 (51)
803718	2009-08-26 03:50:00	Hey Cic, that's your best post ever! I really enjoyed it. Very clever. :thumbs: +1 I was at a large cheap warehouse known for selling crap on the weekend and the sausage sellers were raising funds for some thing for young guys to go to a sort of Pre-Airforce flight training thing. I asked if the point was them going on to join the airforce later and yes it was. I asked why then when there are no planes? They didn't know what to say for that. Bought a sausage anyway......	pctek (84)
803719	2009-08-26 04:19:00	The NZ Air Force is there for those who aren't tough enough for the Army or Navy and who are scared of flying, but like to be in uniform....	johcar (6283)
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