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| Thread ID: 102740 | 2009-08-30 22:28:00 | Monday Laughs........Sock it to the Aussies........ | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 805485 | 2009-08-30 22:28:00 | Aussie Computing Terms . . . . . LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter . LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie . MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie . DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute . HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies . KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys . WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold . SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season . BYTE: What mozzies do . MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do . CHIP: A bar snack . MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips . MODEM: What you did to the lawns . LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps . SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster . HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart . MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed . MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up . WEB: What spiders make . WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah . SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go . CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go . YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go . UPGRADE: A steep hill . SERVER: The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch . MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch . USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things . NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net . INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go . NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net . ONLINE: Where you hang the washing . OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough . ********************************* A judge was interviewing a Sydney woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by . " No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded . "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and my husband's parents live here too . " He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one . " "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets . We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes . " "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do . " Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied . "I've never wanted a divorce . My husband does . He says he can't communicate with me . " ********************************* Confessions of an Aussie Hooker:- A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession . Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years . The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?' She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Bazza and I played rugby for the Wallabies . . . . . ********************************* A lawyer bound for Perth boarded an airplane in Sydney with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him . She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator . He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out . Needless to say, she was annoyed by his boorish behaviour . Shortly before landing in Perth, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them . ********************************* A CHINESE MAN'S 3 GOLDEN RULES TO BECOME A "TRUE" AUSSIE !!!!! A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa and a few days after he moves in, his friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day . The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it . Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day . A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum . The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens . The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about **** on you . ' The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs . ' 'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs . ' 'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man, 'he say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-**** . ' Cheers Billy 8-{) |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 805486 | 2009-08-30 22:39:00 | Thanks Billy! | somebody (208) | ||
| 805487 | 2009-08-30 22:42:00 | Top marks. :thumbs: | wratterus (105) | ||
| 805488 | 2009-08-30 22:45:00 | well done :D | GameJunkie (72) | ||
| 805489 | 2009-08-31 00:07:00 | Fresh and original :thumbs: | Renmoo (66) | ||
| 805490 | 2009-08-31 00:46:00 | No doubt you've all seen these Ads about Australia invading NZ and then the NZ response to it (Done by two advertising agencies in a competition) www.youtube.com |
Chilling_Silence (9) | ||
| 805491 | 2009-08-31 05:44:00 | well done, one thing that kinda ruins it for me is alot of the aussie jokes could apply to new zealanders with a slight change in wordin | hueybot3000 (3646) | ||
| 805492 | 2009-08-31 07:24:00 | Just last week it applied to Hillbillies. Still works fine though.;) | R2x1 (4628) | ||
| 805493 | 2009-08-31 10:24:00 | Lol @ the Chinese one. :D | qazwsxokmijn (102) | ||
| 805494 | 2009-08-31 10:44:00 | Thanks! I'm so happy now;) | zataka (14895) | ||
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