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Thread ID: 102919	2009-09-06 22:41:00	Monday Laughs................Seniors	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
807385	2009-09-06 22:41:00	Lovemaking tips for Seniors 1 . Wear your glasses . Make sure your partner is actually in the bed . 2 . Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle . 3 . Set the mood with lighting . (Turn them ALL OFF!) 4 . . . . Make sure you put 111 on your speed dial before you begin . 5 . Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember . 6 . Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed . 7 . Have Panadol ready in case you actually complete the act . 8 . Make all the noise you want . . . . the neighbors are deaf too . 9 . Don't even think about trying it twice . (I posted this in bold type so you can read it easier . ) ********************************* In the Doctor's Office . . . . . . . . . An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk . . . . The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied . The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that . ' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said . The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused embarrassment to me in this room full of people . You should have said there is a problem with your ear or something and discussed your condition further when in private with the Doctor . ' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone . ' He then walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered . The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's a problem with my ear', he stated . The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice . 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??' 'It hurts when I'm peeing out of it,' he replied . The waiting room erupted in laughter . Mess with seniors? You're going to lose! This is so true! They always ask at the Doctor's office why you are there . There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients . You have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing . ********************************* A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner . . 'Good morning,' said the young man . ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners' . 'Go away!' said the old lady . 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door . Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open . 'Don't be too hasty!' he said . 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration . ' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet . 'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Madam, I will personally eat the remainder . ' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork young man, because they cut off my electricity this morning . " ********************************* An elderly Gentleman . . . Had serious hearing problems for a number of years . He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100% . The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect . Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again . ' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet, I just sit around and listen to their conversations . I've changed my will three times!' ********************************* Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Roger, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains . I know you're about my age . How do you feel?' Roger says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby . ' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep . No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants . ' ********************************* An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen . The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great . I would recommend it very highly . ' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know . . . The one that's red and has thorns . ' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man . He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, darling, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ********************************* Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things . During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair . 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks . 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure . ' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks . 'No, I can remember it . ' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that . You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries . ' 'I'd also like whipped cream . I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks . Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles off into the kitchen . After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs . She stares at the plate for a moment, then asks . . . . . . . . 'Where's my toast?' ********************************* Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical . A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm . Next time Morris visited the surgery the doctor said, 'I saw you out with a young woman the other day, you're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful . ' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that . I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful . ' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
807386	2009-09-06 23:55:00	Two elderly women, Mildred and Hazel, were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. As they're driving along to the grocery store, they approach an intersection. The light is red, but Mildred just drives on through, not hesitating for a second. Hazel thinks to herself "I must be losing it. I could've sworn we just drove through a red light." A few minutes later, they come up to another red light. Again, Mildred drives right on through. Hazel is alarmed, but is still not sure if she's imagining things. At the next intersection, however, Mildred drives through another red light, prompting Hazel to turn to her friend. "Mildred, are you aware that we just ran through three red lights in a row?" Mildred replies: "You know, I noticed that too!" Hazel stammers, "You could have gotten us both killed!" Mildred turns to her slowly, and says, "Me?! I thought you were driving!"	pctek (84)
807387	2009-09-07 00:39:00	BillyT as always you excell with making monday a laugh :thumbs:	GameJunkie (72)
807388	2009-09-07 02:09:00	Good jokes there BillyT.:D	convair (13650)
807389	2009-09-07 03:35:00	Not do do with Seniors but I feel this may be of interest to some members. This is supposed to be a letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to his boss. Dear Mr Baker, As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co- workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please. I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!	Sweep (90)
807390	2009-09-07 05:27:00	Two very old ladies were sitting on a park bench, sucking up the sunshine to soothe their arthritis and joint pains when Maude asked her friend if it wouldn't feel better to get an "all-over" tan and that way feel the warmth everywhere. "Why, yes it would be faster and certainly delightfully naughty, but I don't think I can do such a thing at this old age". "Nonsense, I've always wanted to run naked through the woods and feel the sun all over my body" said Maude, "...and besides it's one of the things I always wanted to do before I die". With that they both shuck their clothes - right down to buck-nude and stashing their belongings behind a tree, proceed to jog through the park. They soon jog past two old men sitting on another park bench when one of the old guys asks the other: "Say! Did you just see what I saw?" "Yes I did!' he says, "What do you make of that?" "I can't say - but it sure needed ironing".	SurferJoe46 (51)
807391	2009-09-08 08:11:00	Two old gents were sunning themselves on the steps of the Veteran's Home when one slowly asked "Do you remember back in the trenches during the war in '41 they put stuff in the tea to make us forget women?" "I remember; tasted horrible. What of it?" "I reckon it's starting to work."	R2x1 (4628)
807392	2009-09-08 10:49:00	*and u thought blonds were dumb* Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."	Colpol (444)
807393	2009-09-08 22:45:00	Inner Peace: If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment , If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, . . . Then You Are Probably . . . . . . . . . The Family Dog! And you thought I was going to get all spiritual .	Cicero (40)
807394	2009-09-09 04:32:00	Too good not to pass on! Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?' 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him . 'All the food was slow . ' 'C'mon, seriously . Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained . ! 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it . ' By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table . But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it : Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card . My parents never drove me to school . I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow) . We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19 . It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a . m . and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people . . . I never had a telephone in my room . The only phone was on a party line . Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line . Pizzas were not delivered to our home . . . But milk was . All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week . He had to get up at 6AM every morning . Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut . At least, they did in the movies . There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive . If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren . Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing . Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? MEMORIES from a friend : My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle . In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it . . I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea . She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something . I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons . Man, I am old . How many do you remember? * Head lights dimmer switches on the floor . * Ignition switches on the dashboard . * Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards . * Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner . * Using hand signals for cars without turn signals . Older Than Dirt Quiz : Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about . Ratings at the bottom . 1 . Candy cigarettes 2 . Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 3 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles 4 . Party lines on the telephone 5 . Newsreels before the movie 6 . TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning . (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]) 7 . Peashooters 8 . Howdy Doody 9 . 45 RPM records 10 . Hi-fi's 11 . Metal ice trays with lever 12 . Blue flashbulb 13 . Cork popguns 14 . Studebakers 15 . Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt! I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life . [/FONT]	Sweep (90)
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