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Thread ID: 103166	2009-09-14 08:57:00	Monday Laughs................Better late then never...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
810131	2009-09-14 08:57:00	FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1 . It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job . 2 . It's important to have a woman who can make you Laugh . 3 . It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you . 4 . It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you . 5 . It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other . ********************************* Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day . Now we do not see you any more . We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us . ' And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me . Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves . ' And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve . And it was a good animal . And God was pleased . And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail . And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal . ' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, and his name will be a reflection of my own name . You will call him DOG . ' And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them . And they were comforted . And God was pleased . And Dog was content and wagged his tail . After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride . They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration . Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well . ' And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are . The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration . ' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve . And Cat would not obey them . And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings . And Adam and Eve learned humility . And they were greatly improved . And God was pleased . . . . . . . And Dog was happy . . . . . And Cat didn't give a shlt one way or the other . . . . ********************************* A Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall and looking very pale . "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant . "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an bottle of laxative to drink instead" replied the assistant . "You idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too damned scared to cough" ********************************* Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, who was half his age . After several months, Maggie began complaining that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while . So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village . The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan with a big towel a cow that was having difficulty breeding . This would cool her down and make her relax . So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex . This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax . So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested . After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet . The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel . They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours . When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!" ********************************* Kids in Hospital Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room . The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The 2nd kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little bit nervous . " The 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done when I was four . They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice-cream . It's a breeze . " The 2nd kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The 1st kid says, "A circumcision . " And the 2nd kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born . . . and I couldn't walk for a year . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :o	Billy T (70)
810132	2009-09-14 09:03:00	Thanks Billy!	somebody (208)
810133	2009-09-14 09:06:00	worth waiting for!	hueybot3000 (3646)
810134	2009-09-14 09:24:00	Thanks for that. Brightened up my day no end.:clap	Sweep (90)
810135	2009-09-14 10:46:00	Loved the cat and dog one and the Irish one!! Way to go!	johcar (6283)
810136	2009-09-15 01:37:00	Subject: FW: 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 1 1. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 1 2. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'	Cicero (40)
810137	2009-09-15 01:45:00	A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."	Cato (6936)
810138	2009-09-15 08:58:00	An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal." :D From: www.neowin.net	Renmoo (66)
810139	2009-09-15 09:37:00	Love it Jamuz!! :D	beeswax34 (63)
810140	2009-09-15 11:57:00	Good one Jamuz. But just to be correct it would be better if the word phased was replaced by fazed. I feel I have to replace Roddy at this point as he can't speak for himself at this time for some reason. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Yep I counted my toes as well.	Sweep (90)
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