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Thread ID: 103255	2009-09-16 21:27:00	Britain to repossess the U.S.A.	Roscoe (6288)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
810997	2009-09-17 01:53:00	To be even fairer, lets amplify that a bit: "Later yet, in 1807, Davy proposed the name alumium for the metal, undiscovered at that time, and later agreed to change it to aluminum. Shortly thereafter, the name aluminium was adopted by IUPAC to conform with the "ium" ending of most elements. Aluminium is the IUPAC spelling and therefore the international standard. Aluminium was also the accepted spelling in the U.S.A. until 1925, at which time the American Chemical Society decided to revert back to aluminum, and to this day Americans still refer to aluminium as "aluminum". www.alunet.net (IUPAC: http://www.iupac.org/) Definitely the Yanks are out of line and contravening international standards :clap You can hardly say "shortly thereafter" when IUPAC wasn't formed for roughly another 100 years. Aluminum is viewed as an acceptable alternative by IUPAC, much like cesium/caesium.	roddy_boy (4115)
810998	2009-09-17 02:02:00	You can hardly say "shortly thereafter" when IUPAC wasn't formed for roughly another 100 years. Aluminum is viewed as an acceptable alternative by IUPAC, much like cesium/caesium. Remembering time is relative,then it certainly is shortly.	Cicero (40)
810999	2009-09-17 02:11:00	A very clever list. And I wonder why the USA keeps gallons and feet and inches ?	Digby (677)
811000	2009-09-17 02:14:00	There is one things that I would LOVE to see standardised/stardardized throughout the world and this is the method of writing dates. Eg 1st April 2009 in UK and NZ etc and April 1st 2009 in the USA, and I believe there are other variations. It would be great if ISO would legislate a standard method.	Digby (677)
811001	2009-09-17 02:26:00	You can have it, but there are "certain caveats" to the resolution. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. § A Look up words like Shropshire, Worcestershire, Gloucestershire and realize that there are several more syllables in the words that somehow get lost in the British mouth since they get caught in the gap between British front teeth. § "British" is correctly pronounced with the long I since the two vowels are now separated by only one consonant, therefore making the first I say it's own name. (IE: Brîght-ish") § To correctly pronounce "British" in the way it has been miss-spoken requires a double-T in between the two vowels - or: Brittish - so the first and second vowels ( i ) will become short sounding as any good English student knows! (NZ: Vowels are: A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. All the other squiggly-things are called "CONSONANTS") 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour', "humour", "flavour" and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. § "Donut" is wholly an American invention, far removed from Crullers (which are NOT Brit at all, but are from Frog-land) and as such we can spell whatever we invent - any way we want. § Your alliterative demand would require that words like "hour" be respelled "houur" and "pour" becomes "pouur" and "flower" become "flouwer" for starters. § Kinda silly - Wot? Masters of duplication and waste that youse guys are, instead of spending Kilofarthings for all the ink and paper on changing words that have silent and unseen vowels in them and work well now, I suggest the money be spent on dentures, bridges and while you're at it have your Bowlers re-sized to allow some brain growth. 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. § Language is constantly shifting, evolving and metamorphosing into new and better forms (texting, however, is not universally a good example) and as such if youse guys don't uh, unnerstand - ya know, uh - da ting is - we's not - uh, talking da PURE language, but umh, unnerstood language - got it? I'm speaking at youse here! Lissen-up or youse'll get hurt! (I think that is totally understandable - don't youse?) § Bill Gates has already left the official M$ reins, the state and the continent and was last seem handing out free dental passes to UK members of royalty, the Queen's general entourage and members of Parliament to get that silly gap filled-in on their front teeth. § Any modifications to the library at M$ will be considered AFTER Mr. Gates returns to take the reigns of his company - which has (BTW!) a cash flow more than three times the UK total national financial base. New Motto: "Today a gap toothed old woman- Tomorrow an understandable Royal Queen Mom". 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. § It will now be called the National Day Of Looking Backwards or Turning Into Pillars of Salt Day. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. § The new/olde way of settling debts, arguments and spousal support and dalliances into - er dallying, will be settled by broadsword and dirks, the former for adversaries at some arm-distance and the latter for in-close fighting. § Maces, cudgels and the "gulleting" of boiling oil or molten lead, drawing and quartering, cats claws and breaking at the wheel will be re-instituted as well as the pillory with stocks and leg irons and wench branding for harlots, witches and book writers in the village squares. § Tribochets (καταπέλτης or catapults) will now be used for game hunting and working copies of these can still be found in certain Carthaginian and Roman student textbooks. Uunfourtuunately, the 'killing zone' of these weapons is rather unpredictable and itinerant peripheral death and destruction can and will happen willy-nilly, as it were. § Fox huunting will remain - unfourtunately the same, a bloudy and hourse killing event - but our hunted foxes are in bikinis, and on the beaches! Yay for our side! § Televised psychiatric advisers are for tourists from the UK to watch when they go into withdrawal from NOT having their seers, Tarot readers, fortune tellers and psychics that they regularly consult for their problems at home. There are more ghouls. beasties and specters in the UK per-capita than anywhere else in the world with the possible exception of Vatican City. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. § AMMUNITION, on the other hand will not be allowed in the possession of anyone, punishable by Torkamadiaan-Inquisition style torture. The only legally appropriate use of a firearm is for defensive throwing or attempting to scare a would-be thief or burglar; ie- pointing the empty piece at him and yelling: "Bang - Please imagine I have shot you, now please lie down and await the Bobbies for an incarceration period to be duly decided by a judge in a powdered wig and wearing women's underwear under his smock". You'll be a riot in the emergency room! § Attorneys will be branded across their foreheads with the letter "A" for easy recognition. They must also wear a 6-stone clappered gong made from melted down ha'pence, bob, quid and farthings around their neck on a chain and be proceeded with a yeoman heralding their way walking in front of them, through streets and walkways proclaiming: "Makith thine way clear for an attornye; touchith ye not nor lookith upon it's face for fear!" § Psychics, seers and fortune tellers won't need guns or ammunition since they already know what's going to happen and can leave the area before it happens. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. § Poison amulets and signet rings will be in vogue once again, and let it be known that one must most-assuredly make friends with thine neighbors, but not thine neighbor's wife. Beware the taste of bitter almonds! § I - on the other hand - can kill or main with a 9V battery and a can of hairspray, and so far these are not seriously regulated or licensed. Where's the justice in it all? Huh? 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you British and German cars, you will understand what we mean. § It is decreed that instead of vehicles that can run for six and twenty years without major repairs, that four (NZ= 4) vehicles of your own choice in a Finely Engineered English Automobile (oxymoronic?) will be purchased by every citizen: one to actually drive and the other three to be left at home for spare parts. § Spare parts for Lucas electrical components will always be in short supply, so it may be advised that for any sustainability at all, a gross amount of parts be purchased for lighting, generating electricity or creature comforts in the automobile. § "German cars?" Youse guys beating the drum for the HUN cars now? § Remember that line from a wallpaper hanger: "Ich will England verschmustz?" Short memories Wot? 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately. § Mortuaries and mortician's offices will be centrally located inside each roundabout for your dying and maimed from futile attempts at circumnavigating the runaround - er, roundabout at freeway speeds. Oh what fun! § For eons, the British have had nowhere to go except in circles - lest they fall off the face of the Earth and be eaten by sea-beasties or they run out of island to traipse, and the thought of going anywhere FAST totally escapes them to this day. Commute times from any place on the Isle to any OTHER place in the Isle only takes about three (NZ= 3) metric houurs by lorry anyway, so why hurry? § The trains however - cannot be late since while the front part of it is in the destination - the back of the train is still standing at the depot, waiting to leave. Train travel in the UK is a sham, as the trains stand still and the passengers just walk with their brolly and topper from one end of the train to the other and find they have arrived at their destination. § Drivers who actually survive their encounter with a circle will no longer be able to drive after a few limbs are amputated and eye sockets are cauterized with burning hot pokers to staunch the bleeding. The roads will be so much safer when there are fewer cars and fewer fully dexterous drivers to drive them. There will - however - be more and more crippled train passengers. Roundabouts will help you understand the British sense of humour. § Ahem! ...to this day it is not internationally known that the British have a sense of humour. . § Since the subtlety of "British humour" is non-evident to people with an IQ greater than a retarded Piltdown man, (which is where the British wit presently resides) - we refuse to sully our current national intellectual humor and instead just secretly laugh at members of Parliament (Whigs OR Torries) who wear womens' undergarments and uncontrollably guffaw over "telly" shows (I cite: Benny Hill, Angus Deayton, and the comedy writers' antics in the serio-comedy sketches from the Byzantine–Seljuk Wars.) 9. The Former U.S.A. will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have erroneously been calling gasoline) at roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. "I'll take a farthing's worth of your finest liquefied dinosaur condensate, and there's a fiver under the bonnet for you and God bless you, Tiny Tim". 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar and salt. § REAL chips are actually cow or buffalo manure, deeply darkened and richly toasted in the hot sun on a flat rock and allowed to dry to a crunchy-tasty foodstuff that is suitable for making instant soups (just add hot water or microwave until done YUM!) or crumbled and spread on steak and kidney pie which smells amazingly like the OTHER effluent: URINE pie. The only foodstuff even roughly equivalent of Cow Pies is Vegemite, but it is rather a poor second best. § Vinegar cannot improve nor hide the taste of anything Brit-made. It is well known that the British Navy was one of the finest in it's day, since they were also such seemingly ardent explorers and adventurers (but they were just looking for a palatable meal - somewhere!) § CATSUP/KETCHUP is actually a Chinese derivative (remember the British Crown Colony of Hong Kong? The Boxer Rebellion? Does that ring a bell?) - and it would be helpful if slathered on Brit-chips to remind one what their insides will look like after consuming something that the human body is not capable of digesting - at least NOT the rendered tallow part. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. § Sure! I loved body temperature'd mother's milk and am mighty proud to say so. I even still appreciate the wonderful and nifty containers in which it arrives, but I've grown out of the need to suckle something at body temperature - Fahrenheit or Celsius! § Americans, always thrifty and resourceful, only serve cheap "American Beers" to foreigners, tourists and persons other than ourselves. The good stuff we hide in our refrigerator (UK= a large box that is cold inside) at temperatures just slightly above the freezing point and served in frosty-cold mugs for gusty, heartfelt and personal enjoyment when we are out of visitor's eyesight. § Warm beer is really an extended version of the mother/child bonding process or nursing reflex that doesn't seem to have matured out of the typical UK-male mind even if the UK-male body has grown somewhat to maturity. Looks are deceiving, but it is rumored that Winston Churchill had not yet been weened when he took over as Prime Minister, and required some "quiet time", a wet nurse and a blanky after plotting in the War Room at 10 Downing Street. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. § Up to and including this particular point of time, there have been NO good British actors - none anyway that can be understood. I might have spoken out of place here: Basil Rathbone may be the sole exception. When reading for a part, it is extremely hard to hear the words that are slaughtered by the English accent, and printed subtitles are so passé on the big screen. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football - you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, calling for a twee "free catch", or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby straight away - the South Africans and New Zealanders will thrash you, just as they regularly thrash us. § Lacrosse is the game real of choice - well that and connubial jousting. You can have soccer and "fussball" and cricket and sticky-wickets all you want - we are in the bedroom playing a REAL man's game! 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. § World geography aside, I like to swing a big stick from time to time and I bet you would too if you were allowed to have one, that is. The reason why you cannot be allowed to play baseball is from the law about illegally possessing a WMD in the form of a bat. Your Cricket bats are a flimsy and probably a Chinese import clone of a real bat and they don't hold a candle to a Louisville Slugger anyway. § We face South Africans, North Africans and Central Africans in our inner cities all the time and they don't play games that we like. Perhaps you can teach them some nice new and socially responsible games. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. § The FBI and the Italian Mafia did it. But you have me wondering: Are you a mad dog or just an Englishman? It makes a difference. And do you stand in the noonday sun? 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). § I have my payment right here! Com'on an' get it! I have converted all my Confederate money to Farthings, ten-bob notes and pence - all useless and not worth a queen's fart. I also have a Louisville Slugger. 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (you will no longer use that baby sounding word, "cookies") and cakes; and, of course, strawberries and cream in season. § We are a little more "progressive" here in the US and let our grandmothers to moist-chew their biscuits with their toothless gums and soften their Bickys with hot water tinted to a shallow tasteless tan with herbs and grass clippings. § Real AH-MEER-I-Kans drink Beer, but not just any time o'day! § We have "Happy Hours" that are legally and lawfully designated for our bars (Brit= pubs) where all alcohol is 50% off and flows like - er, beer! BTW: Beer is ALWAYS in season!	SurferJoe46 (51)
811002	2009-09-17 02:33:00	One acid test is to get an American to pronounce Warwickshire correctly :banana	Terry Porritt (14)
811003	2009-09-17 02:40:00	You gotta give the poms one thing they sure can drink bulk piss its a national pastime.	prefect (6291)
811004	2009-09-17 03:31:00	Here's some more that only poms can think up Cirencester......pronounced Cicester by some usually the gentry, said to have been conjured up by Shakespeare in Richard II Smethwick....pronounced usually as Smethick, but if from Brum and the Black Country then nearly always Smerick. Edit: just found this list of pronunciations for Joe to learn www.hintsandthings.co.uk Edit again: Like it says "The actual pronunciation is not going to be easy to explain but I will try to do it phonetically, it will, however, rely on visitors knowing a little about the English language." Note. it says knowledge about the English language, not American or New Zild language :)	Terry Porritt (14)
811005	2009-09-17 03:35:00	Necessity - if they spill it they will be nobbled for pollution by casting offensive matter	R2x1 (4628)
811006	2009-09-17 05:46:00	I was not aware that the (slightly) insane ramblings of John Cleese would elicit such a well thought out reply. I usually lose interest in a reply that long, but you kept my interest right to the end. Very well said, Joe. I'm certain Her Majesty will be pleased - but she's coming to reposses, nevertheless. Please be a good chap and pack your bags and remove all your belongings before the end of this month. Ta.	Roscoe (6288)
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