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Thread ID: 103255	2009-09-16 21:27:00	Britain to repossess the U.S.A.	Roscoe (6288)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
810987	2009-09-16 21:27:00	From John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour', "humour", "flavour" and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you British and German cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately. At the same time, you will go metric - without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The Former U.S.A. will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have erroneously been calling gasoline) at roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar and salt. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football - you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, calling for a twee "free catch", or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby straight away - the South Africans and New Zealanders will thrash you, just as they regularly thrash us. 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (you will no longer use that baby sounding word, "cookies") and cakes; and, of course, strawberries and cream in season. God save the Queen. Only He can.	Roscoe (6288)
810988	2009-09-16 23:09:00	Sounds reasonable to me!	Cicero (40)
810989	2009-09-16 23:16:00	99% agree... just the beer I have a problem with. Ken	kenj (9738)
810990	2009-09-16 23:28:00	Do the same as last time just strip out all the good bits and rape and pillage the rest.	prefect (6291)
810991	2009-09-16 23:31:00	Sounds great but definitely exclude the beer. Take that from NZ. :)	wratterus (105)
810992	2009-09-16 23:58:00	God decreed that England would have English beer, English cars, Lucas and Englishmen. They are not eligible for a sentence review for the foreseeable future. ;)	R2x1 (4628)
810993	2009-09-17 00:21:00	1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. To be fair, the bloke that discovered it named it aluminum.	roddy_boy (4115)
810994	2009-09-17 00:39:00	To be fair, the bloke that discovered it named it aluminum. To be even fairer, lets amplify that a bit: "Later yet, in 1807, Davy proposed the name alumium for the metal, undiscovered at that time, and later agreed to change it to aluminum. Shortly thereafter, the name aluminium was adopted by IUPAC to conform with the "ium" ending of most elements. Aluminium is the IUPAC spelling and therefore the international standard. Aluminium was also the accepted spelling in the U.S.A. until 1925, at which time the American Chemical Society decided to revert back to aluminum, and to this day Americans still refer to aluminium as "aluminum". www.alunet.net (IUPAC: http://www.iupac.org/) Definitely the Yanks are out of line and contravening international standards :clap	Terry Porritt (14)
810995	2009-09-17 01:24:00	99% agree... just the beer I have a problem with. Ken You must prefer that gaseous water the yanks call beer!	Cicero (40)
810996	2009-09-17 01:47:00	keep the good american cars (classic muscle cars and the like) but take the buick LeSabers and the PT Cruisers and the like and put em in a black hole as for the Ford Crown vic these can stay since they have served the country very well chasing crack dealers in a police interceptor and then said dealer hailing a cab to get home later on eventally all ford crown vic's are to be de commisioned and replaced by the Pontiac G8 GXP (ie the VE Commodore over here) :thumbs:	MAC_H8ER (5897)
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